February 28, 2020 J.J. Abrams Won’t Stop Telling Sandwich Guy at Bodega to ‘Surprise Him’ J.J. Abrams Won’t Stop Telling Sandwich Guy at Bodega to ‘Surprise Him’ BROOKLYN, N.Y. — Staff at a local bodega have become increasingly frustrated with Star Wars director J.J. Abrams, who won’t stop placing lunch orders by…
February 25, 2020 Bob Iger Steps Down to Make Room for New Disney CEO Baby Iger Bob Iger Steps Down to Make Room for New Disney CEO Baby Iger BURBANK, Calif. — Disney CEO Bob Iger made a surprise announcement this afternoon that he would be stepping down from his position, effective immediately, to…
February 7, 2020 Star Wars Porn Parody Changes Luke and Leia to Just Step Siblings Star Wars Porn Parody Changes Luke and Leia to Just Step Siblings MONTREAL — Representatives from Brazzers have confirmed that their highly anticipated nine-part pornographic Star Wars parody series will modify the canon so as to make…
February 5, 2020 R2-D2 Suddenly Remembers a Bunch of Cool Shit It Can Do R2-D2 Suddenly Remembers a Bunch of Cool Shit It Can Do LOTHAL — Just as he and his friends were almost certainly doomed while trying to escape a secret base of the Empire’s they had infiltrated,…
January 30, 2020 I Didn’t Spend 50 Years Breastfeeding Baby Yoda for Some Asshole in a Helmet to Get All the Credit I Didn’t Spend 50 Years Breastfeeding Baby Yoda for Some Asshole in a Helmet to Get All the Credit Fifty years is a long time. Almost as long as my nipples after half a century of breastfeeding. Seriously, my poor areolas are as tattered…
January 22, 2020 Huge ‘Star Wars’ Planet Adds Second Town Huge ‘Star Wars’ Planet Adds Second Town NEVARRO — Far far away planet Nevarro has added a second town after realizing they have the room to spare, according to those familiar with…
December 23, 2019 With ‘Knives Out,’ Rian Johnson Finally Bounces Back From Critically Acclaimed, Billion Dollar ‘The Last Jedi’ With ‘Knives Out,’ Rian Johnson Finally Bounces Back From Critically Acclaimed, Billion Dollar ‘The Last Jedi’ LOS ANGELES — With murder mystery Knives Out, Rian Johnson appears to have finally rebounded from making the highest grossing movie of 2017, Star Wars:…
December 5, 2019 Oh No: Jon Favreau Just Revealed That Baby Yoda’s Name is Mike Pence Oh No: Jon Favreau Just Revealed That Baby Yoda’s Name is Mike Pence We have awful news for fans of Star Wars and cute puppets everywhere; The Mandalorian creator Jon Favreau just revealed that Baby Yoda’s actual canonical…
December 4, 2019 Hard Drive Investigates: Is Darth Maul Red With Black Stripes or Black With Red Stripes? Hard Drive Investigates: Is Darth Maul Red With Black Stripes or Black With Red Stripes? Ever since George Lucas’s sci-fi epic The Phantom Menace premiered in 1999, Star Wars fans have been obsessed with one character: Darth Maul. Speaking only…
