February 1, 2021 Porn Parody ‘Girls Done Quick’ Not Particularly Popular Porn Parody ‘Girls Done Quick’ Not Particularly Popular LOS ANGELES — Girls Done Quick, a new livestreamed porn parody of the hit video game convention Games Done Quick in which pornstars “speedrun” having…
October 11, 2020 Speedrunner Doesn’t Believe Girlfriend’s Tool-Assisted Orgasm Valid Speedrunner Doesn’t Believe Girlfriend’s Tool-Assisted Orgasm Valid SACRAMENTO — Video game speedrunner Ashton Clemens insisted that a significant portion of his girlfriend’s orgasms were completed incorrectly, arguing that manual orgasms with non-modified…
August 18, 2020 Ocasio-Cortez Given Speedrun Slot at DNC Ocasio-Cortez Given Speedrun Slot at DNC MILWAUKEE — The Democratic National Committee has granted Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez a “speedrun” slot at tonight’s convention to show off her skills in the Digestible…
May 1, 2020 Video Game Speedrunner Changes Boyfriend’s Language to Japanese to Get Through Argument Quicker Video Game Speedrunner Changes Boyfriend’s Language to Japanese to Get Through Argument Quicker TAMPA, Fla. — Local video game speedrunner Lulu Gardner reportedly changed her boyfriend’s language to Japanese in order to get through an argument with him…
April 20, 2020 Hand-Washing Speedruns Condemned by World Health Organization Hand-Washing Speedruns Condemned by World Health Organization ATWATER, Ohio — Following a recent days-long conference focused on the COVID-19 outbreak held in Helsinki, Denmark, members of the World Health Organization have officially…
January 6, 2020 Unhinged Maniac Rigs NES to Explode If SMB3 Speedrunner Lets Mario Drop Below P-Speed Unhinged Maniac Rigs NES to Explode If SMB3 Speedrunner Lets Mario Drop Below P-Speed ORLANDO, Fla. — Sending waves of terror rippling throughout the streamer’s Twitch chat, an unhinged maniac rigged an NES to explode if Super Mario Bros.…
June 22, 2019 Useless Toddler Misses ‘Putt-Putt Saves the Zoo’ Speedrun Record by 7 Months, 23 Days Useless Toddler Misses ‘Putt-Putt Saves the Zoo’ Speedrun Record by 7 Months, 23 Days PROVIDENCE, R.I. — Disgraced gamer Jake Marglous, 2, wrapped up his latest non-TAS speedrun of Putt-Putt Saves the Zoo earlier this week, with sources reporting…
August 8, 2018 Lonely Man Speedruns Calzone Lonely Man Speedruns Calzone BROOKLYN, N.Y. — Displaying remarkable skill and reflexes, Brett Echelson livestreamed a complete speedrun of a calzone from his neighborhood pizzeria last night, setting a…
December 25, 2017 Speedrun Streamer Sets New Record Time Explaining What That Means to Grandpa During Christmas Dinner Speedrun Streamer Sets New Record Time Explaining What That Means to Grandpa During Christmas Dinner BONNER SPRINGS, Kan. – After an innocuous attempt at small talk by his grandfather Frank, speedrunning Twitch streamer Grady Millward now holds the fastest time…
