December 6, 2018 No DreamCast Classic: You Motherfuckers Had Your Chance to Buy One the First Time No DreamCast Classic: You Motherfuckers Had Your Chance to Buy One the First Time Hiya kids, it’s me, your pal Sonic the Hedgehog! I am saying this one time and one time only, there will NEVER be a chance…
October 27, 2018 Japanese Holdout Still Fighting Console War for Sega Japanese Holdout Still Fighting Console War for Sega HAGÅTÑA, Guam — Engu Kyuwa, a Japanese soldier in the Console War, was discovered to still be fighting in Guam, refusing to believe that Sega…
July 31, 2018 Underwater Level Detected on Mars Underwater Level Detected on Mars WASHINGTON — NASA announced on Wednesday that a 12-mile-wide underground lake has been detected near the Martian south pole, leading many in the scientific community…
June 25, 2018 ACLU Publicly Drops Support for First Amendment After Discovering Sonic Fan Art ACLU Publicly Drops Support for First Amendment After Discovering Sonic Fan Art NEW YORK — In a press conference today, American Civil Liberties Union president Susan N. Herman announced that the organization will “reconsider and reexamine” its…
April 2, 2018 Uninspired Rule 34 Artist Just Going Through Motions of Drawing Sonic Eating Out Tails Uninspired Rule 34 Artist Just Going Through Motions of Drawing Sonic Eating Out Tails ALBANY, N.Y. — Revered Rule 34 artist Sophia Zinn is no longer feeling inspired by her various drawings of Sonic eating out his friend Tails,…
October 3, 2017 SEGA Announces It Learned Absolutely Nothing From Sonic Mania Success SEGA Announces It Learned Absolutely Nothing From Sonic Mania Success TOKYO, Japan — SEGA held a press conference today to let the gaming world know that they haven’t learned a goddamn thing after celebrating the…
September 17, 2017 Sonic the Hedgehog Visits Sick DeviantArt User for Make-A-Wish to Tell Him His OC is Canon Sonic the Hedgehog Visits Sick DeviantArt User for Make-A-Wish to Tell Him His OC is Canon OSWEGO, N.Y. — Sonic the Hedgehog honored the Make-A-Wish request of 13-year-old DeviantArt regular Jake Applebaum, declaring his self-created character Jake the Hedgehog part of…
August 18, 2017 SEGA Refuses to Reveal Which Body Part Sonic Puts the Rings In SEGA Refuses to Reveal Which Body Part Sonic Puts the Rings In Despite decades of questioning, SEGA, the producers of the Sonic franchise, have reiterated that they will not answer one of gaming’s greatest questions: Where does…
July 11, 2017 Climate Scientists Warn That All Super Mario Levels Will Be Underwater by 2025 Climate Scientists Warn That All Super Mario Levels Will Be Underwater by 2025 PARIS — Top climate scientists released a new peer-reviewed research paper today, which warns that all Super Mario stages will become underwater levels within the…
