June 17, 2021 Sonic’s Therapist Asks If He’s Ever Considered Slowing Down Sonic’s Therapist Asks If He’s Ever Considered Slowing Down METROPOLIS ZONE — Sonic the Hedgehog has been asked to look inward and understand his deepest and most firmly held beliefs, according to sources who…
February 24, 2021 Sonic the Hedgehog Found Crushed to Death Inside Vegas Slot Machine Sonic the Hedgehog Found Crushed to Death Inside Vegas Slot Machine LAS VEGAS — Tragedy struck at the Bellagio Hotel & Casino today, as the squished and dismembered carcass of beloved cultural icon Sonic the Hedgehog…
January 19, 2021 New York City Council Votes on Placement of Huge Booster Ramp to Decrease Traffic New York City Council Votes on Placement of Huge Booster Ramp to Decrease Traffic NEW YORK — Tempers flared at city hall today as both sides made their opinions known about the potential addition of a giant glowing ramp…
July 26, 2020 San Francisco Installs Spikes to Deter Homeless People and Sonic the Hedgehog San Francisco Installs Spikes to Deter Homeless People and Sonic the Hedgehog SAN FRANCISCO — The city of San Francisco has installed spikes in public spaces and on buildings in order to discourage camping from homeless people…
May 13, 2020 It Gets Worse: New Report Reveals Michael Jackson’s Sonic 3 Soundtrack Was Also Arranged by OJ Simpson It Gets Worse: New Report Reveals Michael Jackson’s Sonic 3 Soundtrack Was Also Arranged by OJ Simpson Fans of Sega’s iconic blue hedgehog have been wondering for years why the company has stopped distributing 1994’s Sonic the Hedgehog 3 on digital platforms…
April 17, 2020 Eccentric Zoo Owner Insists There’s Nothing Unethical About Owning Big the Cat Eccentric Zoo Owner Insists There’s Nothing Unethical About Owning Big the Cat WYNNEWOOD, Okla. — Local Big the Cat owner and G.W. Zoo founder, Joe Exotic, insists that there is absolutely nothing inhumane about keeping a large…
March 25, 2020 If Sonic Water Levels Gave You Lifelong Anxiety, You May Be Entitled to Compensation If Sonic Water Levels Gave You Lifelong Anxiety, You May Be Entitled to Compensation Thousands of gamers across the world are providing testimonials accusing Sonic The Hedgehog water levels of giving them lifelong anxiety in a landmark civil suit…
February 24, 2020 DNC Backfire: Millions Plan to Write-In ‘Sonic the Hedgehog’ for President After ‘Vote Blue No Matter Who’ Campaign DNC Backfire: Millions Plan to Write-In ‘Sonic the Hedgehog’ for President After ‘Vote Blue No Matter Who’ Campaign WASHINGTON — Democratic National Committee officials are reportedly scrambling to fix their Vote Blue Matter Who campaign now that it has inspired millions around the…
February 20, 2020 Review: Critics Are Too Hard on ‘Sonic,’ Which Is Fun for the Whole Family, Just Like Olive Garden Review: Critics Are Too Hard on ‘Sonic,’ Which Is Fun for the Whole Family, Just Like Olive Garden While Sonic himself may say gotta go fast, we as reviewers gotta be asked: why so harsh on our blue furry friend? Today I saw…
