June 17, 2021 Sonic’s Therapist Asks If He’s Ever Considered Slowing Down Sonic’s Therapist Asks If He’s Ever Considered Slowing Down METROPOLIS ZONE — Sonic the Hedgehog has been asked to look inward and understand his deepest and most firmly held beliefs, according to sources who…
May 29, 2020 Climate Report Warns Global Warming Not Quite Strong Enough to Make Seaman Extinct Climate Report Warns Global Warming Not Quite Strong Enough to Make Seaman Extinct WASHINGTON — Climate scientists have solemnly published a new report which warns that, while the effects of climate change are sure to be devastating worldwide,…
May 13, 2020 It Gets Worse: New Report Reveals Michael Jackson’s Sonic 3 Soundtrack Was Also Arranged by OJ Simpson It Gets Worse: New Report Reveals Michael Jackson’s Sonic 3 Soundtrack Was Also Arranged by OJ Simpson Fans of Sega’s iconic blue hedgehog have been wondering for years why the company has stopped distributing 1994’s Sonic the Hedgehog 3 on digital platforms…
February 20, 2020 Review: Critics Are Too Hard on ‘Sonic,’ Which Is Fun for the Whole Family, Just Like Olive Garden Review: Critics Are Too Hard on ‘Sonic,’ Which Is Fun for the Whole Family, Just Like Olive Garden While Sonic himself may say gotta go fast, we as reviewers gotta be asked: why so harsh on our blue furry friend? Today I saw…
November 12, 2019 Sonic Fans Now Drunk With Power Demand Big The Cat Be Added to the Film Sonic Fans Now Drunk With Power Demand Big The Cat Be Added to the Film LOS ANGELES — Following a successful campaign to get the titular character of the upcoming Sonic the Hedgehog film redesigned, Sonic fans have gone mad…
May 8, 2019 Doctor Informs Knuckles That Those Are Actually Tumors on His Hands Doctor Informs Knuckles That Those Are Actually Tumors on His Hands STATION SQUARE — In a somber twist to an otherwise routine checkup, a doctor on call at Station Square Medical Center regretfully informed Knuckles the…
May 3, 2019 Sonic Team Insulted Movie Director Would Do Something So Pathetic as Respond to Fan Feedback Sonic Team Insulted Movie Director Would Do Something So Pathetic as Respond to Fan Feedback TOKYO — In a press conference this morning tinged with disgust and shock, Sega’s Sonic Team told reporters that they were totally insulted that the…
December 6, 2018 No DreamCast Classic: You Motherfuckers Had Your Chance to Buy One the First Time No DreamCast Classic: You Motherfuckers Had Your Chance to Buy One the First Time Hiya kids, it’s me, your pal Sonic the Hedgehog! I am saying this one time and one time only, there will NEVER be a chance…
October 27, 2018 Japanese Holdout Still Fighting Console War for Sega Japanese Holdout Still Fighting Console War for Sega HAGÅTÑA, Guam — Engu Kyuwa, a Japanese soldier in the Console War, was discovered to still be fighting in Guam, refusing to believe that Sega…
