primary

Bernie Sanders Receives Mysterious Letter

BURLINGTON, Vt. — Senator Bernie Sanders has reportedly received a mysterious white letter with a red seal less than a…

4 years ago

Opinion: Bernie Should Have Stayed in the Primary in Case He Won Every Bonus Star

Bernie Sanders officially ended his bid for the White House today, ceding the Democratic nomination to former Vice President Joe…

4 years ago

Bernie Sanders’ Policies Would Take Away Americans’ Choice to Lower This Bridge for 200 Gems

In our political climate, there is no lack of problems to be solved. Climate change, student loan debt, trade disputes.…

4 years ago

Campaign Staff Begging Joe Biden to Stop Mashing Through Dialogue Options

PHILADELPHIA — Staffers within the Joe Biden presidential campaign are reportedly begging the former Vice President to stop mashing the…

4 years ago

Moderates Attempt to Cancel America’s Evolution

UNITED STATES — After years and countless experience points towards progression, America has finally reached a high enough level to…

4 years ago

DNC Backfire: Millions Plan to Write-In ‘Sonic the Hedgehog’ for President After ‘Vote Blue No Matter Who’ Campaign

WASHINGTON — Democratic National Committee officials are reportedly scrambling to fix their Vote Blue Matter Who campaign now that it…

4 years ago

J.K. Rowling Reveals Harry Potter Would Vote for Michael Bloomberg in Obvious Advertising Campaign

LONDON — In what fans are calling the most pathetic example of Michael Bloomberg’s viral campaign advertising, Harry Potter author…

4 years ago

CNN Political Analysts Explain First Is the Worst, Second Is the Best, Third Is the One With the Hairy Chest

NEW YORK — Political analysts sitting around the CNN roundtable explained to viewers today after the decisive New Hampshire primary…

4 years ago

DNC Unplugs Bernie’s Controller

DES MOINES, Iowa — In a tight caucus match late last night, the DNC pulled out Senator Bernie Sanders' controller…

4 years ago