July 16, 2020 President Trump Appoints Dr. Goomba Tower as New Head, Head, and Head of COVID-19 Task Force President Trump Appoints Dr. Goomba Tower as New Head, Head, and Head of COVID-19 Task Force WASHINGTON — President Trump announced this morning that he would be naming Dr. Goomba Tower as the new head, head, and head of the COVID-19…
April 9, 2020 Bernie Sanders Receives Mysterious Letter Bernie Sanders Receives Mysterious Letter BURLINGTON, Vt. — Senator Bernie Sanders has reportedly received a mysterious white letter with a red seal less than a day after announcing he was…
April 8, 2020 Opinion: Bernie Should Have Stayed in the Primary in Case He Won Every Bonus Star Opinion: Bernie Should Have Stayed in the Primary in Case He Won Every Bonus Star Bernie Sanders officially ended his bid for the White House today, ceding the Democratic nomination to former Vice President Joe Biden. Many have been calling…
March 26, 2020 DNC Escort Mission Incredibly Frustrating DNC Escort Mission Incredibly Frustrating WASHINGTON — Members of the Democratic National Committee expressed frustration about the annoying escort mission to get former vice president Joe Biden into the White…
March 25, 2020 Donald Trump Unleashes Giant Squids on Major U.S. Cities to Unite Americans Against Coronavirus Donald Trump Unleashes Giant Squids on Major U.S. Cities to Unite Americans Against Coronavirus WASHINGTON — President Trump has announced plans to unleash a giant squid on each of the major cities in the United States in an effort…
March 15, 2020 Bernie Sanders Calls on Nintendo to Release Animal Crossing Early Bernie Sanders Calls on Nintendo to Release Animal Crossing Early BURLINGTON, Vt. — In the wake of the COVID-19 pandemic, Senator Bernie Sanders has called on Nintendo to preemptively release the much-anticipated Animal Crossing: New…
March 14, 2020 Donald Trump Insists He Found Mew Under Truck in Pokémon Red Donald Trump Insists He Found Mew Under Truck in Pokémon Red WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump is being attacked by prominent Democrats today after he claimed he found Mew under a truck in his original playthrough…
March 7, 2020 Campaign Staff Begging Joe Biden to Stop Mashing Through Dialogue Options Campaign Staff Begging Joe Biden to Stop Mashing Through Dialogue Options PHILADELPHIA — Staffers within the Joe Biden presidential campaign are reportedly begging the former Vice President to stop mashing the A-button through all of his…
March 5, 2020 Moderates Attempt to Cancel America’s Evolution Moderates Attempt to Cancel America’s Evolution UNITED STATES — After years and countless experience points towards progression, America has finally reached a high enough level to evolve to its next form.…
