president

President Trump Appoints Dr. Goomba Tower as New Head, Head, and Head of COVID-19 Task Force

WASHINGTON — President Trump announced this morning that he would be naming Dr. Goomba Tower as the new head, head,…

4 years ago

Bernie Sanders Receives Mysterious Letter

BURLINGTON, Vt. — Senator Bernie Sanders has reportedly received a mysterious white letter with a red seal less than a…

5 years ago

Opinion: Bernie Should Have Stayed in the Primary in Case He Won Every Bonus Star

Bernie Sanders officially ended his bid for the White House today, ceding the Democratic nomination to former Vice President Joe…

5 years ago

DNC Escort Mission Incredibly Frustrating

WASHINGTON — Members of the Democratic National Committee expressed frustration about the annoying escort mission to get former vice president…

5 years ago

Donald Trump Unleashes Giant Squids on Major U.S. Cities to Unite Americans Against Coronavirus

WASHINGTON — President Trump has announced plans to unleash a giant squid on each of the major cities in the…

5 years ago

Bernie Sanders Calls on Nintendo to Release Animal Crossing Early

BURLINGTON, Vt. — In the wake of the COVID-19 pandemic, Senator Bernie Sanders has called on Nintendo to preemptively release…

5 years ago

Donald Trump Insists He Found Mew Under Truck in Pokémon Red

WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump is being attacked by prominent Democrats today after he claimed he found Mew under a…

5 years ago

Campaign Staff Begging Joe Biden to Stop Mashing Through Dialogue Options

PHILADELPHIA — Staffers within the Joe Biden presidential campaign are reportedly begging the former Vice President to stop mashing the…

5 years ago

Moderates Attempt to Cancel America’s Evolution

UNITED STATES — After years and countless experience points towards progression, America has finally reached a high enough level to…

5 years ago