January 20, 2021 Trump Grants Jeffrey Epstein Posthumous Pardon Trump Grants Jeffrey Epstein Posthumous Pardon WASHINGTON — Making full use of his last full day in office, President Donald Trump announced a posthumous pardon of his former friend and “total…
January 7, 2021 Facebook-Banned Trump Livid He Can’t Log Into Oculus Facebook-Banned Trump Livid He Can’t Log Into Oculus WASHINGTON — Only a few hours after being banned on Facebook, President Donald Trump erupted in anger when he realized that he was no longer…
December 16, 2020 Donald Trump Retracts Lawsuit Barring Pokémon Company From Using Likeness in Muk Cards Donald Trump Retracts Lawsuit Barring Pokémon Company From Using Likeness in Muk Cards WASHINGTON — Following a string of other legal concessions in the waning days of his term, President Donald Trump announced this morning that he would…
November 8, 2020 Donald Trump Decides to Buy PS5 After All Donald Trump Decides to Buy PS5 After All WASHINGTON — After initially claiming he was going to hold out until more exclusive next-gen titles became available, President Donald Trump has reversed his claim…
November 5, 2020 Gamer Tip: Your Vote Is Wasted If It’s Not Concentrated on a Blinking Weak Spot Gamer Tip: Your Vote Is Wasted If It’s Not Concentrated on a Blinking Weak Spot PENNSYLVANIA — Gamer consultants have advised the Trump and Biden campaigns that it’s pointless to spam votes in low-effect areas like California and Kentucky, when…
November 5, 2020 Gamer Sick of Two-Console System Gamer Sick of Two-Console System WASHINGTON — Local gamer Stephen Nelson exhaustedly told friends Wednesday night that he is done with participating in the antiquated two-console system forced on him…
November 3, 2020 Gamer Buys Both Nate Silver and Nate Gold Versions to Get Full Results Gamer Buys Both Nate Silver and Nate Gold Versions to Get Full Results ERIE, Pa. — Local gamer Glenn Rice reportedly purchased both Nate Silver and Nate Gold versions of the 2020 presidential election forecast in order to…
November 3, 2020 Guy Writing In “Waluigi” for President Doesn’t Actually Want Waluigi to Be President Guy Writing In “Waluigi” for President Doesn’t Actually Want Waluigi to Be President ROCHESTER, N.Y. — Local voter Martin Frost does not actually want video game character Waluigi to be president, despite writing him in under “president” on…
November 1, 2020 Horrible Goose Caught Scaring Voters Away From Early Voting Site Horrible Goose Caught Scaring Voters Away From Early Voting Site KEENE, Ky. — Several Keene residents have reported cases of voter intimidation at the small town’s early voting location, noting that the polls are being…
