February 12, 2019 Tom Cruise Announces He Will Be Running in 2020 Tom Cruise Announces He Will Be Running in 2020 LOS ANGELES — Tom Cruise released a statement today, after much speculation, confirming he would be running in the year 2020. “I decided it was…
February 10, 2019 Division 2 Beta Lets Players Explore Utopian Vision of Washington D.C. Division 2 Beta Lets Players Explore Utopian Vision of Washington D.C. After months of previews, Ubisoft finally lifted the curtain on Tom Clancy’s The Division 2 through a weekend beta test where players will get a…
February 5, 2019 Republicans Try to Appeal to Younger Voters by Releasing State of the Union on YouTube Republicans Try to Appeal to Younger Voters by Releasing State of the Union on YouTube WASHINGTON — Republican strategists have announced they will upload the entirety of Donald Trump’s State of the Union address onto YouTube under the title NATIONAL…
January 27, 2019 Democrats in Disarray After President Trump Tweets That US Constitution Isn’t Canon Democrats in Disarray After President Trump Tweets That US Constitution Isn’t Canon WASHINGTON — The newly-emboldened Democratic Party is in disarray today after President Trump announced on social media that the United States Constitution is no longer…
December 13, 2018 Mueller Just Going to Grind a Few More Levels Before Final Boss Fight Mueller Just Going to Grind a Few More Levels Before Final Boss Fight WASHINGTON — Robert Mueller, former FBI director and current head of the Special Counsel Investigation into Russian meddling in the 2016 American election, has reported…
November 21, 2018 Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez Announces She’s Waiting for Red Dead Redemption 2 to Go On Sale to Thunderous Applause Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez Announces She’s Waiting for Red Dead Redemption 2 to Go On Sale to Thunderous Applause NEW YORK — Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez joined a rally with the New York City chapter of the DSA today and received loud cheers upon her…
November 17, 2018 Opinion: It’s Time for a Gamer President Opinion: It’s Time for a Gamer President Our country is in political turmoil as we look to our leaders and see no one who will rise up to the challenge of defeating…
October 15, 2018 Weeb Orders Sixth 23andMe in Desperate Search for Marginal Japanese Heritage Weeb Orders Sixth 23andMe in Desperate Search for Marginal Japanese Heritage LOS ANGELES — Local Caucasian anime fan Martin O’Rourke ordered his sixth 23andMe in an attempt to prove that he is 100% technically a little…
September 30, 2018 NBA Jam’s Bill Clinton to Campaign for Beto O’Rourke NBA Jam’s Bill Clinton to Campaign for Beto O’Rourke DALLAS — As the Senate race in Texas reaches a fever pitch, sources are reporting that Democratic candidate Beto O’Rourke has unveiled a crucial addition…
