July 16, 2020 Saying ‘Hey! Listen!’ Is No Longer Enough Saying ‘Hey! Listen!’ Is No Longer Enough Ever since Ganondorf attacked Hyrule, I’ve had to constantly remind you that we can’t go back to our normal lives until this great evil is…
July 9, 2020 Termina Resident Convinced Giant, Ominous Moon a Liberal Hoax Termina Resident Convinced Giant, Ominous Moon a Liberal Hoax CLOCK TOWN — A Termina citizen took to the streets yesterday to denounce the large, ominous moon inching ever closer to the city as “a…
July 4, 2020 Animal Crossing Villagers Freak Out During Fireworks Animal Crossing Villagers Freak Out During Fireworks NORTHERN HEMISPHERE — Chaos erupted during a Fourth of July fireworks celebration held by the animal inhabitants of the newly settled New Texas Island, sources…
July 1, 2020 Young Link Shaken After Seeing What a Loser Virgin He Grows Up to Be Young Link Shaken After Seeing What a Loser Virgin He Grows Up to Be HYRULE — Feeling completely shaken after pulling the Master Sword from its pedestal, unlocking the path to the Sacred Realm and traveling seven years into the…
June 29, 2020 Bullshit Photoshop Class Doesn’t Even Tell You How to Give Mario a Gun Bullshit Photoshop Class Doesn’t Even Tell You How to Give Mario a Gun AUSTIN, Texas — Local graphic design student Rachel Valdez expressed frustration this week after realizing her Intro to Photoshop class would not cover how to…
June 29, 2020 Vault Boy Skin Introduces Dozens of Glitches to Smash Bros Vault Boy Skin Introduces Dozens of Glitches to Smash Bros KYOTO, Japan — Nintendo released a statement this morning defending their latest patch to Super Smash Bros. Ultimate, which adds a new Vault Boy skin…
June 24, 2020 Shigeru Miyamoto Delays Orgasm for Quality Purposes Shigeru Miyamoto Delays Orgasm for Quality Purposes KYOTO, Japan — Shigeru Miyamoto announced today that in order to make sure he lives up to his highest standards, he will be delaying the…
June 17, 2020 Millennial Excited to Return to Pokémon Snap With Photography Degree Under His Belt Millennial Excited to Return to Pokémon Snap With Photography Degree Under His Belt CAMBRIDGE, Mass. — A millennial gamer who grew up with Pokémon Snap is excited to play the new Nintendo Switch version now that he has…
June 16, 2020 Nintendo Leaks Worsen as Hackers Reveal Shigeru Miyamoto’s Entire DNA Sequence Nintendo Leaks Worsen as Hackers Reveal Shigeru Miyamoto’s Entire DNA Sequence KYOTO, Japan — After suffering a string of damaging data breaches and leaked trade secrets such as hardware specs and console operating system code, Nintendo announced…
