August 9, 2020 Divorcing Couple Agrees to Joint Custody of Raymond Divorcing Couple Agrees to Joint Custody of Raymond RIDGEWOOD, N.J. — After hours of mediation, divorcing couple David and Sophie Keller have finally found middle ground as they have agreed to share joint…
August 8, 2020 Olimar Insists Red Pikmin are “Virtually Immune” to Drowning Olimar Insists Red Pikmin are “Virtually Immune” to Drowning PNF-404 — Captain Olimar insisted to a group of red Pikmin today that they need not worry while trying to cross a river because they…
August 4, 2020 Trump Boasts About Getting Through Professor Layton Games “Without Too Much Help” Trump Boasts About Getting Through Professor Layton Games “Without Too Much Help” WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump recently called into Hannity to boast about the minimal help he needed beating the entire series of Professor Layton games…
August 3, 2020 Guy Who Peaked During Tutorial Never Moves Out of Pallet Town Guy Who Peaked During Tutorial Never Moves Out of Pallet Town KANTO — Local would-be Pokémon trainer Bobby, despite completing his initial training, receiving a Pokédex, and being fully prepared to battle across the Kanto region…
July 27, 2020 Moronic Dataminers Thrilled After Discovering Luigi In ‘Super Mario 64 DS’ Moronic Dataminers Thrilled After Discovering Luigi In ‘Super Mario 64 DS’ NEW YORK — Following a string of leaks of early builds and scrapped ideas for beloved Nintendo games, the emulation and modding community has been…
July 21, 2020 Disgraced ‘Smash Bros.’ Player Announces Hiatus, Plans to Main Self for a Little While Disgraced ‘Smash Bros.’ Player Announces Hiatus, Plans to Main Self for a Little While SEATTLE — Tyler Wendell, the latest pro Super Smash Bros. player accused of sexual misconduct, has announced that he will be taking some time off…
July 19, 2020 Man Tasked With Making Score for a Monkey Riding a Swordfish Underwater Creates Transcendent Piece of Music Man Tasked With Making Score for a Monkey Riding a Swordfish Underwater Creates Transcendent Piece of Music COALVILLE, U.K. — Donkey Kong Country’s recent addition to the Nintendo Switch Online SNES collection has fans and audiophiles alike appreciating ‘Aquatic Ambience,’ the absolutely…
July 16, 2020 Guy Who’s Really Good at Landing Mario’s Forward Smash Can’t Possibly Have Hurt All Those People Guy Who’s Really Good at Landing Mario’s Forward Smash Can’t Possibly Have Hurt All Those People SAN DIEGO — Fans of professional Smash Bros. player and alleged sexual predator ‘K1ra’ have reported widespread feelings of disbelief that someone so capable with…
July 16, 2020 President Trump Appoints Dr. Goomba Tower as New Head, Head, and Head of COVID-19 Task Force President Trump Appoints Dr. Goomba Tower as New Head, Head, and Head of COVID-19 Task Force WASHINGTON — President Trump announced this morning that he would be naming Dr. Goomba Tower as the new head, head, and head of the COVID-19…
