March 26, 2020 Nearly Unusable Controller Still in Rotation Because It Looks Cool Nearly Unusable Controller Still in Rotation Because It Looks Cool HUNTSVILLE, Texas — Roommates Audley Stoddard, Jay Heath, and Corwin Reed have announced their intention to continue regularly using a virtually broken controller because it…
March 20, 2020 Something Fishy About Private ‘Animal Crossing’ Island That Bill Clinton, Donald Trump, and Prince Andrew Keep Visiting Something Fishy About Private ‘Animal Crossing’ Island That Bill Clinton, Donald Trump, and Prince Andrew Keep Visiting NEW HORIZONS — Those playing the newly released Animal Crossing: New Horizons for the Nintendo Switch noted that there was something odd going on with…
March 19, 2020 Animal Crossing Delayed Indefinitely After Gulliver Washes Up on Shore With COVID-19 Animal Crossing Delayed Indefinitely After Gulliver Washes Up on Shore With COVID-19 KYOTO, Japan — Nintendo made the difficult decision to delay Animal Crossing: New Horizons indefinitely after Gulliver washed up on shore carrying the coronavirus early…
March 17, 2020 CDC Warns Americans Against Touching Mario’s Face In ‘Super Mario 64’ CDC Warns Americans Against Touching Mario’s Face In ‘Super Mario 64’ ATLANTA — The Center for Disease Control and Prevention held a press conference today explaining in detail the health risks of touching Mario’s face in…
March 17, 2020 UFC to Introduce Items UFC to Introduce Items LAS VEGAS — UFC president Dana White has announced that certain matches put on by the mixed martial arts promotion will soon feature randomized item…
March 15, 2020 Bernie Sanders Calls on Nintendo to Release Animal Crossing Early Bernie Sanders Calls on Nintendo to Release Animal Crossing Early BURLINGTON, Vt. — In the wake of the COVID-19 pandemic, Senator Bernie Sanders has called on Nintendo to preemptively release the much-anticipated Animal Crossing: New…
March 12, 2020 Dr. Mario Stitches Up Three Goombas in a Stack for Horrifying ‘Goomba-Centipede’ Experiment Dr. Mario Stitches Up Three Goombas in a Stack for Horrifying ‘Goomba-Centipede’ Experiment MUSHROOM KINGDOM — The perverted Dr. Mario has disgraced the medical community once again after stitching together three goomba victims butthole-to-head in a vertical stack,…
March 9, 2020 Get It Together: Can You Remember What Case You Left Melee in Before Your Sleepover Devolves Into Chaos? Get It Together: Can You Remember What Case You Left Melee in Before Your Sleepover Devolves Into Chaos? It’s Friday, and you know what that means: the boys are coming over for a sleepover! Mom just tidied up the basement, you’ve already picked…
March 9, 2020 Reggie Proposes GameStop Increase Business By Including a Free Copy Of ‘Wii Sports’ With Every Purchase Reggie Proposes GameStop Increase Business By Including a Free Copy Of ‘Wii Sports’ With Every Purchase GRAPEVINE, Texas — Assuring his fellow board members that his plan would work just as well as it did the first time, sources say that…
