new horizons

Here’s All the Bugs and Fish Leaving Animal Crossing in December Due to the Irreversible Effects of Climate Change

December is almost over and you know what that means: it’s your last chance to get certain bugs and fish…

4 years ago

Animal Crossing Villagers Actually Haven’t Noticed You’ve Been Gone

DESERTED ISLAND — Villagers on the island you helped populate haven't noticed your multi-month absence, according to reporters who recently…

4 years ago

Divorcing Couple Agrees to Joint Custody of Raymond

RIDGEWOOD, N.J. — After hours of mediation, divorcing couple David and Sophie Keller have finally found middle ground as they…

4 years ago

Animal Crossing Villagers Freak Out During Fireworks

NORTHERN HEMISPHERE — Chaos erupted during a Fourth of July fireworks celebration held by the animal inhabitants of the newly…

4 years ago

Despised Animal Crossing Villager Can’t Afford to Move Away

DESERTED ISLAND — Local Animal Crossing villager Ursala has been forced to continue receiving daily harassment on the deserted island…

4 years ago

Millennial Shares How He Paid Off Home Loan by Scrimping, Saving, and Being Tom Nook’s Adopted Son Timmy

Much has been said about millennials’ financial struggles. Many drown in debt while doing little more than hanging out on…

4 years ago

Man Playing ‘Animal Crossing’ Shops for Clothes for First Time in 10 Years

MIDDLEBURY, Vt. — Local gamer Greg Stephens visited the Able Sisters clothing shop this morning to purchase new items for…

4 years ago

Timmy and Tommy Nook Arrested for Insider Trading After Selling Turnips to Each Other

NEW YORK — Timmy and Tommy Nook, owners and operators of Nook’s Cranny, were arrested for insider trading of turnips…

5 years ago

Animal Crossing Themed Switch Controller Disappears in Puff of Smoke After 10 Uses

SAN ANTONIO, Texas — After using his Animal Crossing themed Switch controller exactly 10 times, local gamer Jonathan Maislin was…

5 years ago