February 23, 2021 NASA Sends Probe to Jupiter to Get More Stupider NASA Sends Probe to Jupiter to Get More Stupider WASHINGTON — Following the successful landing of the rover Perseverance onto the surface of Mars, NASA has launched a probe called Insistence that will land…
February 19, 2021 Mars Rover Immediately Fills All Inventory Slots With Ferrite Dust Mars Rover Immediately Fills All Inventory Slots With Ferrite Dust PASADENA, Calif. — Mars rover Perseverance has already been filled to the brim with ferrite dust, engineers announced this morning. “We kinda just aimed the…
February 18, 2021 Initial Probe of Mars Surface Reveals no New Information on Metroid Prime 4 Initial Probe of Mars Surface Reveals no New Information on Metroid Prime 4 WASHINGTON — NASA’s Perseverance rover has landed on Mars and reportedly discovered no new information about Nintendo’s upcoming video game, Metroid Prime 4. “Oh man,…
October 26, 2020 Nestlé Files Lawsuit Claiming Moon Has No Legal Right to Water Nestlé Files Lawsuit Claiming Moon Has No Legal Right to Water ARLINGTON, Va. — Nestlé USA announced a lawsuit against the round astronomical body orbiting Earth, claiming the mass has no inherent legal right to possess…
March 5, 2019 Tragic: Distant Aliens Just Now Receiving Radio Waves of Bad Simpsons Episodes Tragic: Distant Aliens Just Now Receiving Radio Waves of Bad Simpsons Episodes WASHINGTON — Astrophysicists from the NASA confirmed that radio waves of the bad The Simpsons seasons are beginning to reach distant planets for the first…
November 27, 2017 NASA Discovers Planet With More Than 4 Playable Areas NASA Discovers Planet With More Than 4 Playable Areas WASHINGTON — NASA announced today the discovery of a new exoplanet that reportedly hosts at least four playable areas. This new planet, dubbed MEA-30, is…
October 31, 2017 9 Year Old Nephew Has Scoop on Secret Nintendo Project 9 Year Old Nephew Has Scoop on Secret Nintendo Project PITTSBURGH — Rumor mills are churning after 9-year-old nephew Kevin Cott claimed privileged information about an unannounced Nintendo game at a family get-together last weekend,…
