September 14, 2020 Gamer Can’t Help But Hear ‘Continue?’ Every Day When Waking Up Gamer Can’t Help But Hear ‘Continue?’ Every Day When Waking Up ALBUQUERQUE, N.M. — Local gamer Stephen McLaughlin can’t help but hear the voice of the Super Smash Bros. Melee announcer saying “Continue?” every single time…
July 16, 2020 Guy Who’s Really Good at Landing Mario’s Forward Smash Can’t Possibly Have Hurt All Those People Guy Who’s Really Good at Landing Mario’s Forward Smash Can’t Possibly Have Hurt All Those People SAN DIEGO — Fans of professional Smash Bros. player and alleged sexual predator ‘K1ra’ have reported widespread feelings of disbelief that someone so capable with…
May 24, 2020 Gamer Training Months for Melee Tournament Heartbroken Upon Discovering They Didn’t Mean ‘Godzilla: Destroy All Monsters Melee’ Gamer Training Months for Melee Tournament Heartbroken Upon Discovering They Didn’t Mean ‘Godzilla: Destroy All Monsters Melee’ JACKSONVILLE, Fla. — Dedicated Godzilla: Destroy All Monsters Melee player Duncan Cooker was recently disappointed to realize that the “Melee” tournament he’d been preparing for…
March 9, 2020 Get It Together: Can You Remember What Case You Left Melee in Before Your Sleepover Devolves Into Chaos? Get It Together: Can You Remember What Case You Left Melee in Before Your Sleepover Devolves Into Chaos? It’s Friday, and you know what that means: the boys are coming over for a sleepover! Mom just tidied up the basement, you’ve already picked…
March 8, 2020 Boyfriend Down to Two Stocks After Being Knocked Off Bed Boyfriend Down to Two Stocks After Being Knocked Off Bed ALBANY, N.Y. — Local boyfriend Dennis McElris is reportedly down to just two stocks after being knocked off the bed by his sleeping girlfriend Jennifer…
August 2, 2019 Finally: Nintendo Is Going Door to Door to Patch Wavedashing Out of Melee Finally: Nintendo Is Going Door to Door to Patch Wavedashing Out of Melee Super Smash Bros. creator Masahiro Sakurai announced today that Nintendo was finally going to send representatives around the world to install a mandatory manual patch…
May 27, 2019 Melee Player Can’t Believe Someone Would Just Throw Out Zenith CRT TV With Built-In VCR From 2005 Melee Player Can’t Believe Someone Would Just Throw Out Zenith CRT TV With Built-In VCR From 2005 PITTSBURGH — Local Super Smash Bros. Melee player Robert Sheely stared in awe and confusion at a nearly fifteen-year-old Zenith CRT TV complete with a…
June 9, 2018 Purist Surgeon Refuses to Operate Surgery Robot With Anything but GameCube Controller Purist Surgeon Refuses to Operate Surgery Robot With Anything but GameCube Controller BOSTON — Explaining that newer controllers don’t quite provide the same comfort or familiarity, surgeon Dr. Frank Powell said this morning that he refuses to…
March 10, 2018 “Guy Who Only Wants to Play Melee” Added to Smash Bros Roster “Guy Who Only Wants to Play Melee” Added to Smash Bros Roster KYOTO, Japan — Nintendo revealed today that the newest addition to the roster of the upcoming Nintendo Switch Super Smash Bros release will be a guy…
