March 28, 2020 Gamer Has Heard Good Things About ‘Super Mario Bros.’ But Never Played It Gamer Has Heard Good Things About ‘Super Mario Bros.’ But Never Played It CHICAGO — During a conversation about video games with a friend at a recent house party, longtime gamer Phillip Krieger perked up at the mention…
March 24, 2020 Museum of Natural History Acquires 4-Million Year Old Dry Bones Museum of Natural History Acquires 4-Million Year Old Dry Bones NEW YORK — Touting the new exhibit as a magnificent specimen of Koopa Troopa ancestry, the American Museum of Natural History unveiled a prehistoric Dry…
March 12, 2020 Dr. Mario Stitches Up Three Goombas in a Stack for Horrifying ‘Goomba-Centipede’ Experiment Dr. Mario Stitches Up Three Goombas in a Stack for Horrifying ‘Goomba-Centipede’ Experiment MUSHROOM KINGDOM — The perverted Dr. Mario has disgraced the medical community once again after stitching together three goomba victims butthole-to-head in a vertical stack,…
January 31, 2020 Local Dullard Chooses Mario in Mario Kart Local Dullard Chooses Mario in Mario Kart DAYTONA BEACH, Fla. — In a choice that demonstrated an astounding dearth of imagination, town simpleton Adam Tucker decided to play as Mario in Mario…
January 29, 2020 Controversial Filmmaker Defends Choice to Keep Rolling as Italian Man Is Beaten to Death Controversial Filmmaker Defends Choice to Keep Rolling as Italian Man Is Beaten to Death MUSHROOM KINGDOM — Following a public outcry, auteur filmmaker Lakitu defended his decision to continue running his camera while a simple Italian plumber was burned,…
November 11, 2019 Exhausted Sakurai Announces Mario Coming to Smash Bros Exhausted Sakurai Announces Mario Coming to Smash Bros TOKYO — Nintendo fans were left scratching their heads this morning following a surprise livestream where visibly exhausted Super Smash Bros. director Masahiro Sakurai announced…
September 6, 2019 Jeff Bezos Bankrupt After Making Enough Money For Extra Life Jeff Bezos Bankrupt After Making Enough Money For Extra Life SEATTLE — Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos filed for bankruptcy earlier this week after amassing so much wealth that he appears to have earned an Extra…
August 5, 2019 Why Millions of Gamers Around the World Insist They Remember Mario’s Name as “Harold” Why Millions of Gamers Around the World Insist They Remember Mario’s Name as “Harold”
May 28, 2019 Scuba Diver Runs Out of Air and Dies After Ignoring Music Getting Faster Scuba Diver Runs Out of Air and Dies After Ignoring Music Getting Faster SIPADAN ISLANDS, Malaysia — Scuba diver David Peterson, 38, died tragically yesterday around 6 p.m. local time after running out of oxygen in his tanks…
