June 24, 2020 Shigeru Miyamoto Delays Orgasm for Quality Purposes Shigeru Miyamoto Delays Orgasm for Quality Purposes KYOTO, Japan — Shigeru Miyamoto announced today that in order to make sure he lives up to his highest standards, he will be delaying the…
June 22, 2020 Luigi Loses Left Eye In Collision With Rubber Bullet Bill Luigi Loses Left Eye In Collision With Rubber Bullet Bill NEW DONK CITY — Beloved local hero Luigi was blinded in his left eye at a protest against police brutality yesterday, when he collided with…
June 16, 2020 Nintendo Leaks Worsen as Hackers Reveal Shigeru Miyamoto’s Entire DNA Sequence Nintendo Leaks Worsen as Hackers Reveal Shigeru Miyamoto’s Entire DNA Sequence KYOTO, Japan — After suffering a string of damaging data breaches and leaked trade secrets such as hardware specs and console operating system code, Nintendo announced…
June 5, 2020 Casual Fans at Mario Orchestra Concert Rudely Talking During Dire, Dire Docks Casual Fans at Mario Orchestra Concert Rudely Talking During Dire, Dire Docks SYDNEY — A group of casual Mario fans annoyed fellow concertgoers at an orchestral show celebrating the franchise’s history, as the rowdy group reportedly talked…
May 16, 2020 ‘Super Mario 3’ Sun Not Angry, Just Disappointed ‘Super Mario 3’ Sun Not Angry, Just Disappointed WORLD 2 — The so-called “Angry Sun,” who has spent years scowling at people crossing the desert, is actually just disappointed and looking to start…
April 12, 2020 Mario Can’t Get Resume Under 10 Pages Mario Can’t Get Resume Under 10 Pages MUSHROOM KINGDOM — Local Brooklynite Mario Mario was reportedly unable to get his resume under 10 pages following a bout of unemployment due to the…
April 8, 2020 World 1-1 Koopa Claims to be World 3-6 Para-Koopa On Dating App World 1-1 Koopa Claims to be World 3-6 Para-Koopa On Dating App MUSHROOM KINGDOM — Continuing the trend of deceitful users of the Mushroom Kingdom’s dominant dating app, Mushd, a love-seeking Goomba named Sandra, 26, recently met…
April 2, 2020 Gamer Kicked Out of Louvre for Trying to Jump Into Mona Lisa World Gamer Kicked Out of Louvre for Trying to Jump Into Mona Lisa World PARIS — Panic broke out within the Louvre earlier this week when a tourist attempted to launch himself over the crowd and through Leonardo da…
April 1, 2020 Green Koopa Sneakily Paints Shell Red So He Doesn’t Have to March to His Death Green Koopa Sneakily Paints Shell Red So He Doesn’t Have to March to His Death MUSHROOM KINGDOM — In an attempt to save himself from certain death by walking directly off a platform, a local green Koopa named George was…
