September 25, 2020 Grandma Playing Super Mario 64 Can’t Get Past Part Where You Endlessly Pull Mario’s Cute Little Cheeks Grandma Playing Super Mario 64 Can’t Get Past Part Where You Endlessly Pull Mario’s Cute Little Cheeks PEEKSKILL, N.Y. — Local grandma Meredith Blum has been stuck for two days on the opening screen of Super Mario 64, reportedly unable to complete…
September 18, 2020 Mario Exhausted After Taking Massive Jump Mario Exhausted After Taking Massive Jump MUSHROOM KINGDOM — Onlookers were astonished earlier today as the mustachioed hero of the Mushroom Kingdom, Mario, collapsed in exhaustion after taking a massive jump…
September 16, 2020 Nintendo Sends DMCA Takedown to Nintendo for Emulating Mario Games Nintendo Sends DMCA Takedown to Nintendo for Emulating Mario Games KYOTO, Japan — Nintendo has issued a DMCA takedown to Nintendo, threatening to press legal action if the studio doesn’t remove its fan emulation project,…
September 3, 2020 Nintendo Announces You Can Borrow Their Old Games But They’re Gonna Need Them Back Nintendo Announces You Can Borrow Their Old Games But They’re Gonna Need Them Back KYOTO, Japan — Nintendo announced a collection of 3D Mario games from past generations coming to Nintendo Switch today, available to be borrowed from them…
September 1, 2020 Nintendo Reveals Mario’s Full Canonical Name to be Mario Mario Mario Mario Mario Mario-Mario Nintendo Reveals Mario’s Full Canonical Name to be Mario Mario Mario Mario Mario Mario-Mario KYOTO, Japan — Nintendo sent shockwaves through the gaming industry today as they announced that their iconic mascot Mario’s canonical name is actually Mario Mario…
August 24, 2020 Mario Lopez Appearance on Access Hollywood Unexpectedly Sabotaged by Wario Lopez Mario Lopez Appearance on Access Hollywood Unexpectedly Sabotaged by Wario Lopez LOS ANGELES — 2011 “Favorite TV Reality, Variety, or Comedy Personality or Act” ALMA Award nominee Mario Lopez was once again foiled at the hands…
August 22, 2020 Whomp Forced to Show Up for Guard Duty Despite Serious Back Injury Whomp Forced to Show Up for Guard Duty Despite Serious Back Injury MUSHROOM KINGDOM — A guard in Bowser’s army was forced to show up for his shift even though he had suffered a massive injury to…
August 18, 2020 Images From 343’s ‘Super Mario 64 Anniversary’ Leaked and It Looks Incredible Images From 343’s ‘Super Mario 64 Anniversary’ Leaked and It Looks Incredible Holy shit you guys. Apparently 343, the company known for making the Halo games after Bungie moved on to Destiny, is working on a remake…
June 29, 2020 Bullshit Photoshop Class Doesn’t Even Tell You How to Give Mario a Gun Bullshit Photoshop Class Doesn’t Even Tell You How to Give Mario a Gun AUSTIN, Texas — Local graphic design student Rachel Valdez expressed frustration this week after realizing her Intro to Photoshop class would not cover how to…
