March 23, 2021 Inside the Koopa Slaughterhouses That Fuel the Insatiable Kart Racing Industry Inside the Koopa Slaughterhouses That Fuel the Insatiable Kart Racing Industry MUSHROOM KINGDOM — A controversial new investigation into the supply chain buttressing the extremely popular sport of Kart Racing sparked outrage among fans and activists.…
March 14, 2021 Sexual Tension Grows Between Mario Kart Live and Roomba Sexual Tension Grows Between Mario Kart Live and Roomba NEW YORK — Remarking that there’s been a strange, horny energy in his living room ever since the two electronic devices have been home together,…
January 19, 2021 New York City Council Votes on Placement of Huge Booster Ramp to Decrease Traffic New York City Council Votes on Placement of Huge Booster Ramp to Decrease Traffic NEW YORK — Tempers flared at city hall today as both sides made their opinions known about the potential addition of a giant glowing ramp…
January 8, 2021 Kart Racer Just Wanted to See If It Would Let Him Go Over There Kart Racer Just Wanted to See If It Would Let Him Go Over There ROYAL RACEWAY — A kart driver at the Royal Raceway Grand Prix was accused of trespassing on the grounds of Princess Peach’s Castle this morning,…
June 27, 2020 Can You Violate the Geneva Conventions in Mario Kart DS, Kingdom Hearts 2, and Call of Duty: Advanced Warfare? Can You Violate the Geneva Conventions in Mario Kart DS, Kingdom Hearts 2, and Call of Duty: Advanced Warfare? One of the earliest known (emphasis on ‘known’ here) cases of the United States committing war atrocities was around 1898. That’s when American troops massacred…
January 31, 2020 Local Dullard Chooses Mario in Mario Kart Local Dullard Chooses Mario in Mario Kart DAYTONA BEACH, Fla. — In a choice that demonstrated an astounding dearth of imagination, town simpleton Adam Tucker decided to play as Mario in Mario…
January 8, 2020 Charles Koch Doesn’t Understand Why Character in First Place Can’t Also Get Blue Shell Charles Koch Doesn’t Understand Why Character in First Place Can’t Also Get Blue Shell CAMBRIDGE, Mass. — Billionaire owner of Koch Industries Charles Koch recently gave a two-hour symposium at his alma mater MIT that questioned the mechanics of…
June 30, 2018 Report: Fuck Shit Goddamn Motherfucking Ass Shit Fuck Report: Fuck Shit Goddamn Motherfucking Ass Shit Fuck RALEIGH, N.C. — A lead change occurred in the final lap of the Rainbow Road Grand Prix last night during what was supposed to be…
February 5, 2018 Mario Sent into Existential Crisis After Losing Go-Kart Race to Baby Version of Self Mario Sent into Existential Crisis After Losing Go-Kart Race to Baby Version of Self MUSHROOM KINGDOM — Following the first race of this year’s 150cc Star Cup, Mario was sent into an existential crisis, having finished several places behind…
