January 15, 2021 Biden Clarifies That $2,000 Check Will Be Next-Gen Upgrade in Late 2021 Biden Clarifies That $2,000 Check Will Be Next-Gen Upgrade in Late 2021 WASHINGTON, D.C. — Responding to criticism over his planned $1,400 stimulus check, President-elect Joe Biden clarified that a full $2,000 version would be coming to…
January 14, 2021 Trail of Diet Cokes Set Up to Ensure Smooth Transition of Power Trail of Diet Cokes Set Up to Ensure Smooth Transition of Power WASHINGTON — President Donald J. Trump has peacefully vacated the White House after following a trail of Diet Coke bottles that appeared overnight, multiple anonymous…
December 21, 2020 New Wall Street Journal Opinion Piece Calls Out Dr Disrespect for Not Being Medical Doctor New Wall Street Journal Opinion Piece Calls Out Dr Disrespect for Not Being Medical Doctor NEW YORK — Following a controversial opinion piece wherein columnist Joseph Epstein beseeched Jill Biden to drop the “doctor” title from her name due to…
November 3, 2020 Guy Writing In “Waluigi” for President Doesn’t Actually Want Waluigi to Be President Guy Writing In “Waluigi” for President Doesn’t Actually Want Waluigi to Be President ROCHESTER, N.Y. — Local voter Martin Frost does not actually want video game character Waluigi to be president, despite writing him in under “president” on…
July 14, 2020 ‘Mass Effect’ Fan Skeptical That Their Choice in Presidential Election Will Influence Ending ‘Mass Effect’ Fan Skeptical That Their Choice in Presidential Election Will Influence Ending RIVERTON, Wyo. — Avid Mass Effect fan Martin Shore plans to opt out of voting in the upcoming 2020 presidential election, citing skepticism that his…
April 9, 2020 Bernie Sanders Receives Mysterious Letter Bernie Sanders Receives Mysterious Letter BURLINGTON, Vt. — Senator Bernie Sanders has reportedly received a mysterious white letter with a red seal less than a day after announcing he was…
April 8, 2020 Opinion: Bernie Should Have Stayed in the Primary in Case He Won Every Bonus Star Opinion: Bernie Should Have Stayed in the Primary in Case He Won Every Bonus Star Bernie Sanders officially ended his bid for the White House today, ceding the Democratic nomination to former Vice President Joe Biden. Many have been calling…
March 26, 2020 DNC Escort Mission Incredibly Frustrating DNC Escort Mission Incredibly Frustrating WASHINGTON — Members of the Democratic National Committee expressed frustration about the annoying escort mission to get former vice president Joe Biden into the White…
March 10, 2020 Next Democratic Debate to Feature Hot Questions and Even Hotter Wings Next Democratic Debate to Feature Hot Questions and Even Hotter Wings PHOENIX — The Democratic National Committee released new qualification criteria for the upcoming debate on March 15th, requiring that participants be able to consume a…
