February 24, 2021 Sonic the Hedgehog Found Crushed to Death Inside Vegas Slot Machine Sonic the Hedgehog Found Crushed to Death Inside Vegas Slot Machine LAS VEGAS — Tragedy struck at the Bellagio Hotel & Casino today, as the squished and dismembered carcass of beloved cultural icon Sonic the Hedgehog…
May 13, 2020 It Gets Worse: New Report Reveals Michael Jackson’s Sonic 3 Soundtrack Was Also Arranged by OJ Simpson It Gets Worse: New Report Reveals Michael Jackson’s Sonic 3 Soundtrack Was Also Arranged by OJ Simpson Fans of Sega’s iconic blue hedgehog have been wondering for years why the company has stopped distributing 1994’s Sonic the Hedgehog 3 on digital platforms…
April 17, 2020 Eccentric Zoo Owner Insists There’s Nothing Unethical About Owning Big the Cat Eccentric Zoo Owner Insists There’s Nothing Unethical About Owning Big the Cat WYNNEWOOD, Okla. — Local Big the Cat owner and G.W. Zoo founder, Joe Exotic, insists that there is absolutely nothing inhumane about keeping a large…
March 25, 2020 If Sonic Water Levels Gave You Lifelong Anxiety, You May Be Entitled to Compensation If Sonic Water Levels Gave You Lifelong Anxiety, You May Be Entitled to Compensation Thousands of gamers across the world are providing testimonials accusing Sonic The Hedgehog water levels of giving them lifelong anxiety in a landmark civil suit…
May 8, 2019 Doctor Informs Knuckles That Those Are Actually Tumors on His Hands Doctor Informs Knuckles That Those Are Actually Tumors on His Hands STATION SQUARE — In a somber twist to an otherwise routine checkup, a doctor on call at Station Square Medical Center regretfully informed Knuckles the…
May 4, 2019 Paramount Buries Sonic Controversy With Brilliant New Kirby Design Paramount Buries Sonic Controversy With Brilliant New Kirby Design LOS ANGELES — In a PR blitz designed to negate the backlash to their Sonic the Hedgehog live-action design, Paramount executives scrambled to appease fans…
March 6, 2019 Furry Community Distances Self From Sonic the Hedgehog Furry Community Distances Self From Sonic the Hedgehog RUMIA, Poland — At the ninth annual Gdakon Con, furries came from all over the world to fuck each other while dressed as animals and…
June 25, 2018 ACLU Publicly Drops Support for First Amendment After Discovering Sonic Fan Art ACLU Publicly Drops Support for First Amendment After Discovering Sonic Fan Art NEW YORK — In a press conference today, American Civil Liberties Union president Susan N. Herman announced that the organization will “reconsider and reexamine” its…
September 17, 2017 Sonic the Hedgehog Visits Sick DeviantArt User for Make-A-Wish to Tell Him His OC is Canon Sonic the Hedgehog Visits Sick DeviantArt User for Make-A-Wish to Tell Him His OC is Canon OSWEGO, N.Y. — Sonic the Hedgehog honored the Make-A-Wish request of 13-year-old DeviantArt regular Jake Applebaum, declaring his self-created character Jake the Hedgehog part of…
