October 22, 2020 GameStop Introduces Curbside Pestering GameStop Introduces Curbside Pestering GRAPEVINE, Texas — As the COVID-19 pandemic continues with no signs of slowing down, GameStop has announced that its patented insufferable brand of customer service…
October 20, 2020 Claudia Conway Reveals Her Mom Pretended to Have COVID to Play Crash Bandicoot 4 Claudia Conway Reveals Her Mom Pretended to Have COVID to Play Crash Bandicoot 4 WASHINGTON — TikTok sensation Claudia Conway released a series of bombshell videos today revealing that her mother and close Trump advisor Kellyanne Conway lied about…
October 6, 2020 Local Wedding Linked to 3,500 Deaths Local Wedding Linked to 3,500 Deaths WESTEROS — Following an exhaustive contact tracing study, a recent Riverlands wedding has been linked to 3,500 deaths, sources report. “The band had just finished…
September 17, 2020 Man Risks Life for Opportunity to Explain Tenet to Girlfriend Man Risks Life for Opportunity to Explain Tenet to Girlfriend CHICAGO — Cinephile Brad Reznik attended a showing of Tenet, despite dangers associated with the COVID-19 pandemic, for the opportunity to explain the high-concept sci-fi…
September 7, 2020 Employees Returning to Work for First Time in Months Discover Office Overrun by Weeds Employees Returning to Work for First Time in Months Discover Office Overrun by Weeds TAMPA, Fla. — Employees returning to the local offices of Seabass Accounting & Tax Services this week were reportedly shocked to discover their cubicles overrun…
August 8, 2020 Fall Guys Griefer Just Misses Human Contact Fall Guys Griefer Just Misses Human Contact CINCINNATI, Ohio — Fall Guys: Ultimate Knockout player Tim Williams insists that the only reason he grabs others at the finish line is due to…
July 16, 2020 President Trump Appoints Dr. Goomba Tower as New Head, Head, and Head of COVID-19 Task Force President Trump Appoints Dr. Goomba Tower as New Head, Head, and Head of COVID-19 Task Force WASHINGTON — President Trump announced this morning that he would be naming Dr. Goomba Tower as the new head, head, and head of the COVID-19…
March 13, 2020 CDC Recommends All Americans Keep Audio Logs During Pandemic for Future Protagonists to Stumble Upon CDC Recommends All Americans Keep Audio Logs During Pandemic for Future Protagonists to Stumble Upon WASHINGTON — At a press conference this afternoon, CDC Director Robert Redfield urged all American citizens to begin keeping audio diaries during the COVID-19 pandemic,…
