acab

“With Great Power, Comes No Responsibility,” Cop Tells Spider-Man

NEW YORK — New York police officer David Whitehead pulled Spider-Man aside today after teaming up to beat up a…

4 years ago

All Cops Are Bastards Even If They Can Collect All Five COMBO Letters While Scoring 12,376,400 Points

Alright, listen up. I’ve heard of you bootlicking posers that have been asking if this or that person is excused…

4 years ago

Police Desperate to Solve Murder Case Decide to ‘Ask Madden’

DENVER — After exhausting all other leads and possible suspects, stumped Colorado law enforcement officials turned to the famous football…

4 years ago

Police Abduct Enough Protesters to Upgrade Unmarked Van with Cool Flame Skin

PORTLAND, Ore. — Police and federal troops have reportedly abducted enough protesters to upgrade their unmarked vans with a variety…

4 years ago

New Call of Duty Game Imagines What If Russia Attacked Own Civilians in Fictional City of PФЯҬLДИD

SANTA MONICA, Calif. — Activision announced that the next game in the Call of Duty franchise, Call of Duty: Uprising,…

4 years ago

Police Department Assigns Peaceful Protestors Automatic Five-Star Wanted Level

LOS SANTOS, Calif. — In a move that local activists decried as the latest example of carceral state overreach, the…

4 years ago

New Sesame Street Episode Brought to You by the Letters ACAB

NEW YORK — Breaking tradition with the usual format of having episodes sponsored by single letters, a bruised, exhausted-looking Big Bird…

4 years ago

Report: Power Rangers Receive 0 Hours of Training Before Being Given Lethal Megazord

ANGEL GROVE, Calif. — Despite receiving absolutely no training of any kind, the adolescent vigilante group “Power Rangers” were reportedly…

4 years ago

Gotham Rules Batman Can Only Break One Limb on Guy

GOTHAM CITY — Gotham City has passed a controversial new bill that would restrict famed vigilante crime fighter Batman to…

4 years ago