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Spiritualist Sonic Fan Knows Chaos Emeralds Aren’t Magic, Just Likes Their Vibe


SANTA MIRA, Calif. — Alternative medicine enthusiast and lifelong Sonic fan Kim Hammond recently purchased a collection of chaos emeralds, which she claims to understand do not actually have supernatural properties, because she merely likes their vibe.

“I mean, I know they’re not magic, of course. They’re a placebo, like religion or PCP,” said the holistic Sega fan, nervously grinning. “But like, sometimes those things make people feel like they’re imbued with the power of God too so you never know I guess! And what if the Finalhazard tries to drag the Space Colony ARK into the Earth? It probably won’t happen, but if it does, I’ll be happy to have the emeralds.”

Hammond noted that while she was confident in their normalcy, she was not entirely certain of the replica emeralds’ origins.

“The place I got them was super sketchy, in like, the bad part of town where they sell drugs and samosas,” recounted Hammond. “The shop was chill but very like, Gremlins vibes? All mystical and stuff. And we all know what happened in that movie.” Pausing briefly, she then added, “Magic stuff.”

Chan Heung, the owner of Chan’s Gaming Collectibles located in the Beverly Center mall where Hammond made the purchase, was able to clarify the nature of the emeralds when reached for comment.

“I have no idea what exactly excited this woman so much, we get these things in bulk from AliExpress. Just that stoked on Sonic I guess?” mentioned Heung apathetically. “Seriously, they come in bubble wrap right next to the dragon balls and hunter licenses. Most of the time they’re even broken.”

At press time, we have heard that Hammond was last seen in various locations in Los Angeles county flying at mach speed. Eye witnesses report that she was spotted with shining, golden hair pointing straight up “Goku style,” surrounded by a floating ring of various gems screaming phrases such as “I knew it!” and “I told you so!”

Photo via RareShinies.