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Spirit Halloween Managers Awake From Hibernation


BELLINGHAM, Wash. — Thousands of Spirit Halloween store managers have awakened from their annual 10-month slumber and have begun migrating back to their respective stores, ready for another Halloween season.

“One of the most gorgeous rituals you see in nature,” said Julia Bates, renowned zoologist. “Up there with the swallows of Capistrano and the emperor penguins of Antarctica. These big beautiful creatures rest for most of the year just to wake up, walk to a store, and spend two months organizing costumes and making cash deposits at night, just to come back to the woods after Halloween’s over. It’s hell of a thing.” 

One of the first points of business for the managers once they return to their home store is finding temporary mates for the season. 

“Pretty pumped I got this seasonal job,” reported Nolan Baxter, who had the store’s first scheduled interview of the day. “That guy that’s gonna be my boss seems pretty chill. I’ve never had someone eat five breakfast burritos and ask me to describe last year’s NBA playoffs to them during a job interview before. I always wondered who managed these stores, I guess it’s these weird motherfuckers that sleep in the woods all year?” 

While many in the commercial retail community view this annual tradition as harmless, a growing number of demonstrators have been outspoken about the perceived captivity of the feral managers. 

“These are people with souls,” said Erin Mahoney, an animal rights activist that was protesting outside the store. “It’s wrong to make them spend their two active months of the year training high schoolers and dealing with bratty children. They only accept these conditions because it’s all they know. The Halloween industry is no better than the circus or Sea World, I’m afraid.” 

Spirit Halloween’s have begun opening all over the country, where they will maintain normal business hours until Halloween, at which point they will dissipate back into our collective imaginations, as Mother Nature again weaves her breathtaking tapestry across the stars. 

UPDATE: As of press time, one of the managers of the soon to open Spirit Halloween had mauled the Mahoney woman pretty badly.  We’ll update this story as more details become available.