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Sony Confirms Halo Infinite Won’t Be That Good


TOKYO — Sony has confirmed what could prove to be one of the biggest scoops of this gaming generation; that apparently Halo Infinite is gonna suck. 

“We got our hands on some internal documents, and boy, this game is gonna be straight ass,” said Jim Ryan, CEO and President of Sony. “There’s nothing there that you won’t find on the PlayStation 5, between Battlefield and Call of Duty. It’s weird, they have all these notes like ‘Make Master Chief cry a lot,’ and ‘All the vehicles should go really slow.’ That’s what I’ve heard, at least. Frankly, they’re taking this franchise in a direction almost nobody is going to enjoy, least of all longtime fans.” 

Gamers were shocked at the exclusive news, reported first by Sony’s official Twitter account.

“Wow, I can’t believe it’s gonna suck,” said Grady Beck, a gamer who’d been anticipating Halo Infinite. “I was gonna get a Series X, but after finding this out, I guess I’ll try and get a PS5. 343 is really dropping the ball; I can’t believe they would take the series in that direction. Oh well, it’ll still probably be better than Halo 4 multiplayer. Man, what a bummer!” 

When pressed for any other information about upcoming games, Ryan dropped some hints but remained cryptic. 

“Oh, you know that Forza game that’s coming out?” he asked. “We heard all the cars start to really run through oil after about 200 miles, so you’re really just better off buying Gran Turismo. Those cars are really built to last, I tell ya. Has everyone played Ratchet & Clank yet? Or Returnal?”

As of press time, Sony executives had confirmed that the new Switch OLED models get, like, really hot when you play them for more than 10 minutes. They added that it was really weird that they would do that.