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Well, well, well. Look what we have here.

So you like licking Switch cartridges, do ya? We’ll go sit down at the kitchen table, and you’re going to lick a whole LIBRARY of Switch Cartridges. And I’m going to sit here with you until every single one of these things is licked. Not just the Marios and the Zeldas, the whooooole back catalog. You ain’t getting up until I see every single one of those little black squares touch your tongue young man. 

Thought you could get away with this, huh? That the sour flavor would give you a thrill? Well we’ll see if you like the taste of Switch cartridges after today. Just thank God your mother isn’t around to see this. 

You’re going to be sick, vomit, and regret you even bought the physical copy of Mario Golf Super Rush. Seriously? Who doesn’t just buy digital?! It’s better in the long run. Although clearly thinking about your actions isn’t something you do very often, is it?

Oh you thought it would give you internet fame? Make one of your Tic-Tacs? Well here’s a title for a video: Son gets what he deserves. And this time, Mister, it won’t be clickbait.

Why can’t you be more like your brother? He’s a DOCTOR for Christ’s sake. Wouldn’t catch him licking strange things for internet likes, no sir. If he’s getting likes on the internet, it’s only for being a hero.

And you know what? After this, you are going to sit here and smoke a whole pack of cigarettes too. I know you don’t smoke, I just have way too many cigarettes and I need to get rid of some of them. I’m just riddled with cigarettes, to be honest.