NEW YORK — Shortly after disclosing a disappointing quarterly loss of $520 million, executives at NBC Universal revealed a daring new strategy to try to rescue their fledgling streaming platform: charge users over four thousand dollars a month to access Peacock.
“Yeah, we’re a hair or two under our expectations, there’s no doubt about that,” said Jerry Weisenstein, an executive at NBC Universal. “But we think between the exclusive same day premiere of Halloween Kills and our new plan to juice our existing customers for 45 hundred a month, we’re gonna straighten this thing out. Never underestimate what people will pay to watch the same episodes of The Office over and over, you know.”
Many users of the platform said that they found the new prices to be unreasonable, and will be cancelling their memberships.
“Oh Jesus, I just signed up for a month of Peacock to watch the new Halloween movie” said Louise Rogers, who was afraid of getting dinged for the new monthly price. “I better be sure to cancel before the next month kicks in. That’s their whole business plan, you know? If your thing depends on people forgetting to cancel your service, I’d say your thing sucks, but what do I know? I’m just the moron that doesn’t see the need to pay for six streaming services a month. I couldn’t believe anyone was paying ten bucks for Peacock, I really don’t believe they’ll be spending thousands of dollars a month on it.”
Representatives from other streaming services were noticeably elated at the news of their alleged competitor’s price hike.
“They’re doing what?” said Ted Sarandos, Netflix’s chief executive officer. “Oh wow. We take shit every time we raise our fees by a buck or two, I can’t imagine what this price hike will do to them. Is it true that that’s just for the limited-commercials package? And that the full one is ten grand? Oh my god, how will we ever compete with Peacock? Hahahahahahahaha.”
As of press time, Peacock was reportedly thinking about just charging Elon Musk 520 million dollars for a month of service and hoping he doesn’t notice.