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Santa Claus Totally Fucked Over By Bitcoin Miners Buying Every Graphics Card


NORTH POLE — Saint Nick is reportedly in a very tight spot as bitcoin miners continue to snatch up all of the graphics cards featured prominently on many gamers’ Christmas lists, sources within the elf community have confirmed. 

“Oh yeah, I’m fucked right up my ass,” said Santa Claus, the iconic figure who delivers presents to good boys and girls every Christmas Eve. “These shitfucks are snatching up all the RTXs to mine their bullshit or whatever they do, and it’s really been a slap in the dick. I hope these gamer kids like rocking horses and music boxes, because I don’t think I can get my hands on these cards for them. Not this year. Fucking crypto bullshit.” 

As the Christmas season approaches, employees of Claus’ famous workshop have reported that conditions have never been this stressful. 

“We crunch like fuck every year, there’s no way around that,” said Milbin Borgins, a third generation Jack-in-the-Box sander. “But this year it’s super duper extra intense! Santa keeps showing up drunk asking if any of us have figured out how to make PlayStation 5’s yet, and we keep insisting it’s just way over our heads. He should set up a supply deal with Best Buy or something, because spending the year on eBay buying electronics for the good kids just isn’t cutting it anymore. Poor guy. I’ve never seen him cry this much.”

Claus’ wife insisted that these problems were solvable and that the Christmas spirit would endure. 

“Oh don’t listen to him, he gets like this every year around this time,” said Mrs. Claus, who refused to give her first name. “There’s always something that makes it stressful. Star Wars action figures, Tickle Me Elmo, Nintendo Wii, I’ve seen them all. It wouldn’t be Christmas if Santa wasn’t openly discussing driving the sleigh into the goddamn ocean every couple of days. ‘Tis the season!”

As of press time, Santa had learned that the Steam Deck had been delayed until February and had gone for a walk.