Tags

RIVERWOOD, W.H. — Local general goods store Riverwood Trader has announced that all customers will earn double reward points by using the special code ‘FUSRO’ when pre-ordering 10 or cheese wheels. 

“This rewards program is going to shake things up around here,” announced Riverwood Trader operator and merchant Lucan Valerius. “For instance, we’ve always loved the Dragonborn at Riverwood Trader, but now we’re giving the Dovahkiin some special perks to go with that title. Specifically if they buy at least cheese wheels in advance first.”

Yet other members of the shop were not as excited. When asked about the new program, Camilla Valerius, sister to Lucian and second in command at Riverwood, expressed her doubts. 

“I’m not so confident about this program, truth be told. This just feels like another one of my brother’s last-ditch efforts to save our dying business,” said Camila. “It’s like when he mandated that employees push pre-used Iron Arrows at no cost. We lost a lot of customers with that one.”

Residents of the town were also skeptical of the business’s recent practices, with some even offering business suggestions for the dying company.

“The solution is simply one word: figurines,” said Riverwood lumberjack Embry. “I make no joke. Everyone in Whiterun wants little wooden statues of their favorite Skyrim legends inside their homes. So let’s just ditch the boring shopkeep wares and throw the little figurines in the store. Perhaps the store should also include some bygone goods, like antique helmets that are hard to come by. We’ll call those ‘retro’ items. I’ve been speaking highly of that venture for the Riverwood Trader for years.” 

At press time, Lucian had been killed by the Last Dragonborn after a reported altercation over the company’s trade-in policy. Lucian, 33, was found with a basket over his head and the entire store’s cheese wheel supply stolen.