IDYLLIC MEADOW — A harrowing report from the home of the Teletubbies has confirmed that the species has died out as a result of their sun reaching adulthood, drastically increasing the temperature of their Eden-like home.
“We head over to the Teletubby planet every year or so just to check on them and this time… honestly I can’t even really talk about it without gagging,” said researcher Dr. Lennon Friedman. “We show up and they’re just all fucking dead. The crops had all died out half the area was flooded, but worst of all, it looks like Tinky Winky was the last of the group to perish and — I’m not even sure how to fucking say this — we think he ate most of the flesh of the other Teletubbies.”
“We were all just freaking out and a few people started to throw up and then we got hit by pools of water coming from the sky,” Dr. Friedman continued. “I look up and there’s this ginormous sun with the sobbing face of a man. The sun just kept aging! Our scientists predicted it might happen, but no one thought it would happen so rapidly. And now they’re all fucking dead.”
According to researchers, the Teletubbies have been an endangered species for a long time.
“There used to be hundreds of thousands of Teletubbies running around, watching little things on their bellies, but for the last twenty years or so, they have dwindled to just four,” explained Columbia professor Brax Krueger. “We had them in this meadow to try to get them to reproduce, which they do sexually, but we could not save the species in time before the sun grew to adulthood. It’s a terrible shame, too, because the human sun is, of course, an invasive species.”
When asked to comment, the sun let out a booming “sorry” that washed flames over the Teletubby planet, leaving it in a great perpetual fire.