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DALLAS â A staunch believer in the ongoing Q conspiracy has spent the day swearing to his friends that John F. Kennedy Jr. will be making his surprise debut in Super Smash Bros. Ultimate later this evening.Â
âYou watch, this is the one,â said Gern Culley, the Q devotee who had previously been misled by ResetEra posts about several Smash Bros leaks, including Waluigi, Master Chief, and Crash Bandicoot. âLaugh all you want, but letâs just wait until midnight and see as John F Kennedy Jr. doesnât suddenly appear on everyoneâs character select screens. Even if you havenât paid for the DLC. This is going to change everything. Youâll see. And when weâre just gonna sit back and laugh at everyone that didnât believe us.â
âTheyâre gonna make it look like Donald Trump is the character and then heâs gonna step aside and itâs gonna be JFK Jr,â Culley explained. âAnd heâs also gonna have a really good recovery and heâs gonna have a counter as his down-b. Thatâs a given.â
Smash Bros. players all over the world met the theory with skepticism.Â
âThatâs not even a thing that could feasibly happen,â said Beverly Nanton, a Smash Bros. fan. âEven if they hadnât said they were done adding new fighters, JFK Jr. was a human lawyer and publisher, not a fighter. They would never put a real guy in there. Never mind the fact that he has nothing to do with video games, is dead, and not particularly relevant to todayâs Nintendo audiences. Then again, I said theyâd never go through with Ridley either, so I donât know. Wouldnât be the craziest shit Iâve seen.âÂ
Nintendo executives denied that they were including the son of the slain 35th President of the United States.Â
âWhile it is a tremendously inspired idea, thatâs just the most ridiculous thing Iâve ever heard,â said Doug Bowser, president of Nintendo of America. âWhat kind of moves would we possibly give to a big tall handsome guy with no combat experience that would make him convincing in a fighting game? We have to stop treating it as news every time these silly fucks think JFK Jr. is coming to the game or that King K Rool is actually Hillary Clinton. Enough already.âÂ
At press time, Super Smash Bros. announced that JFK Jr. would be added to the game as a DLC fighter, confirming Culleyâs theories.