SAN ANTONIO, Texas — Local gamer and Raspberry Pi owner Wesley Hughes has reportedly played five minutes of every single video game, according to close sources and everyone he has ever spoken to.
“Not really sure why there needs to be an article about this considering Wesley has told literally every person he has ever met about the fact that he set up a Raspberry Pi and downloaded every game onto it,” said Hughes’ cubicle-mate Edwin O’Brien. “But yea, it’s true. Any game you can think of, Wes has played it. He’s played exactly five minutes of it, which, according to him, is the minimum amount of time required to form an opinion on a video game. I don’t think he has played a single game for more than five minutes, though. If anything, he is probably more of a character-creator and tutorial-finisher than a gamer, but ever since I met Wes, I’ve learned not to be so judgmental.”
Hughes, however, insists that he is “perhaps the only true gamer on the planet.”
“I’m not sure if you can call yourself a gamer if you haven’t played every single game. You can say you play some video games, sure. But you can’t really form an opinion on video games until you’ve played every one — for at least five minutes each,” Hughes said. “I’ve played every game. Have I told you that? Every one of them is right here on my Raspberry Pi, which, by the way, I programmed myself. Anyone can do it, it’s actually quite easy. Well it’s not easy. Actually it’s very hard to do. Very few people could pull it off, but I was able to do it. I guess that’s what makes me a real gamer.”
When asked what his favorite video game was, Hughes looked back blankly for several minutes before walking away.