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Wealthy Cannibal Conflicted on “Eat the Rich”


cannibal, eat the rich

TUCSON, Ariz. — Local cannibal Stewart Loarfy is reportedly conflicted about the rise of “eat the rich” sentiments on account of his massive wealth, according to those familiar with the situation.

“Look, I’m obviously cool with eating people as much as the next guy. Honestly, it’s exciting to see so many people on board with the idea in general. But… the rich? That’s me,” Loarfy said to friends on a Discord chat for cannibals. “I worked hard to make my money and I shouldn’t have that taken away from me, just because I’m wealthy. All I’m looking to do is work at the business I created, support my family, and eat other human beings, whose flesh tastes like no other.”

“I’m just like any other red-blooded American,” he added. “Which, by the way, is one of my favorite flavors.”

Sources from within Loarf’s friend group, however, have reported that many of his friends disagree with his sentiments.

“Look, I’m a really open-minded guy. I care about things like free speech. I would never criticize Stewie just because he has a different food-based lifestyle than me,” said Loarf’s longtime friend Marissa Grigoryan. “But he’s such a dick about being rich. I mean it’s not really pulled himself up by his bootstraps or anything. He inherited his family’s lumber business and mostly just maintains it, and uses it to hide the bodies he keeps there to eat. He doesn’t deserve to have more money than us or anything.”

According to Dr. Nathaniel Warren, a sociology professor at Columbia University, this issue is becoming a growing divider among the cannibal community nationwide.

“I’ve studied cannibals for decades and generally, they’ve been on the same page about what they want from society: the ability to eat human meat,” Dr. Warren explained. “But in recent years, this ‘eat the rich’ campaign has driven the community apart, with many cannibals simply happy just for ‘eating people’ to become a popular issue in mainstream discourse.”

“That being said, it’s not a particularly even divide,” Dr. Warren continued. “You know, it turns out that having access to eating people without getting in trouble is a pretty privileged pastime. And at the end of the day, even cannibals identify as rich before anything else.”

At press time, officials asked if anyone had information about the whereabouts of Loarf’s friend Marrisa Grigoryan, who has not been seen in several days.

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