March 15, 2019 Facebook Tells Shooter He Could Reach More People If He Boosts Post For $50 Facebook Tells Shooter He Could Reach More People If He Boosts Post For $50 SAN FRANCISCO — The Facebook algorithm informed a terrorist yesterday that his video of a horrific mass shooting that murdered forty-nine Muslims in New Zealand…
March 12, 2019 USC’s Overwatch Team Made Up Entirely of Useless Children of Celebrities USC’s Overwatch Team Made Up Entirely of Useless Children of Celebrities LOS ANGELES — It has come to light that USC’s Overwatch team is made up entirely of the children of celebrities following the bombshell revelation…
March 12, 2019 Elizabeth Warren Signs Up for Abstergo Project to Experience Life of Her Native American Ancestor Elizabeth Warren Signs Up for Abstergo Project to Experience Life of Her Native American Ancestor NEW YORK — Presidential candidate Elizabeth Warren invited press today to watch her enter into an Animus provided by Abstergo Industries so that she could…
March 8, 2019 Rising Rent Forces Daredevil to Become the Devil of East Williamsburg Rising Rent Forces Daredevil to Become the Devil of East Williamsburg BROOKLYN, N.Y. — Rising rents in the Manhattan neighborhood of Hell’s Kitchen have forced the vigilante known as Daredevil to relocate to the much more…
March 7, 2019 Civilization VI Player Weighing Foreign Policy Decisions More Heavily Than Actual Leader of United States Civilization VI Player Weighing Foreign Policy Decisions More Heavily Than Actual Leader of United States PHILADELPHIA – Local gamer Jamie Stanfield was shocked when she realized 11 months into a marathon-speed playthrough of Civilization VI that she was spending more…
February 27, 2019 Cohen Reveals Trump Gave Order to Cut Melee From EVO Cohen Reveals Trump Gave Order to Cut Melee From EVO WASHINGTON — While testifying in front of the House Oversight Committee, President Trump’s former attorney Michael Cohen revealed that it was Trump himself who issued…
February 27, 2019 Donald Trump SWATs Michael Cohen Hearing Donald Trump SWATs Michael Cohen Hearing WASHINGTON — The Congressional Testimony of President Trump’s former lawyer Michael Cohen was dramatically interrupted by a SWAT unit who reportedly received a call by…
February 21, 2019 Opinion: My Squad Won in Apex Legends. Here’s Why I Refuse to Go to the White House Opinion: My Squad Won in Apex Legends. Here’s Why I Refuse to Go to the White House After days of practice and preparation, my teammates finally reached the mountaintop and got our first squad win. However, because I disagree with the politics…
February 20, 2019 DNC Struggling to Pick a Main DNC Struggling to Pick a Main WASHINGTON — The Democratic National Committee is reportedly struggling to decide on a main ahead of the 2020 election now that Bernie Sanders is confirmed…
