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‘Pokémon Unite’ Player Furious Teammate Is Playing Like a Child


NASHUA, N.H. –– Local gamer Jose Ramirez, better known by the gamer tag Chadrizard_TTV, was reportedly incensed earlier today after repeatedly witnessing his teammate, Bradley2012, playing with the skill and intelligence of a child.

“Bro, you’re picking Slowbro? Why would you lock in a second tank when we clearly need support?” Said Ramirez, dumbfounded by his teammate’s naive, childish choice on the character select screen. “Does this guy not understand the meta at all or something? Oh, nice, then he hits me with the ‘Let’s have a good game!’ emote like a total asshole. How old is this guy, 11?”

The conflict apparently escalated when the two wound up paired together in-game.

“Why isn’t this idiot following up on my engage? I think it’s pretty clear that I’m trying to go for a quick turn-in into a bush gank,” lamented Ramirez, while his teammate wandered aimlessly around mid-field experimenting with different attack combos on thin air. “Is this his first MOBA or something? I would use voice chat to trash this guy to his face directly but he hasn’t even reached level 6 yet, what a loser.”

Things continued to deteriorate after another teamfight went poorly, knocking Ramirez out of the “Expert” ranking tier. 

“Damnit, I don’t know what it is with Pokémon games, but every time I try to play one of them online, it’s like I’m walking into a middle school or something. Nobody can get their shit together in terms of strategy. It must be all these fucking tryhard premade groups I keep getting matched against, man. They’re completely sucking the fun out of this game.”

At press time, Ramirez was angered further after his teammate dropped out of the next match because his mother called him downstairs for dinner.