June 5, 2017 Lara Croft Undergoes Triangle Reduction Surgery Lara Croft Undergoes Triangle Reduction Surgery L OS ANGELES — Following decades of suffering, Lara Croft reportedly underwent a successful surgery today to reduce her incredibly large and geometrically pleasing breasts today. “After years…
June 5, 2017 Girl Who Claims to Like Video Games Grilled for 10 Hours at Senate Hearing Girl Who Claims to Like Video Games Grilled for 10 Hours at Senate Hearing WASHINGTON D.C. — After reportedly stating at a casual gathering of friends that her favorite series was Mass Effect and that she is “super excited” for…
June 5, 2017 GameStop Offers $12.38 for Entire Childhood GameStop Offers $12.38 for Entire Childhood FRESNO, C.A. — A man hoping to haul in a large sum of cash found his local GameStop was only willing to pay $12.38 for…
June 5, 2017 Villain Can’t Remember Why He Hid Key to Dungeon in Woods Villain Can’t Remember Why He Hid Key to Dungeon in Woods UNDERGROUND LAIR, Ang. — Sources confirm everything was going according to the dark prince Dacucard’s wicked plan last night, as he was set to marry Princess…
June 5, 2017 Military Tribunal Formally Reprimands Soldier for Teabagging 15 Enemy Combatants Military Tribunal Formally Reprimands Soldier for Teabagging 15 Enemy Combatants THE HAUGE, Netherlands — In a closed-door trial, military leaders leveled punishment against Sgt. Paul Jackson (aka UberDomed2005) for war crimes after allegedly placing his…
June 5, 2017 Guidance Counselor Furious Professional Gamer An Actual Thing Now Guidance Counselor Furious Professional Gamer An Actual Thing Now ALBANY, N.Y. — High school guidance counselor Michelle Hollenbeck expressed profound anger today after learning competitive gaming has become a legitimate occupation. The furious educator…
May 21, 2017 Top Ranked Call of Duty Player Also Noted Race Scholar Top Ranked Call of Duty Player Also Noted Race Scholar COLUMBUS, Ohio — Local student Hollis Wheaton gave a groundbreaking lecture last night on American race relations while holding the top spot in a game…
January 6, 2017 Part Time Street Luge Enthusiast Shocked to Discover He Is Ranked Fourth in the World Part Time Street Luge Enthusiast Shocked to Discover He Is Ranked Fourth in the World Doug Cavanaugh was reportedly surprised earlier today to find his name at number four on the worldwide street luge power rankings, having only picked up the…
December 10, 2016 NES Classic Edition Lets You Play for One Hour, Then It’s Your Little Brother’s Turn NES Classic Edition Lets You Play for One Hour, Then It’s Your Little Brother’s Turn REDMOND, Wash. — Nintendo’s NES Classic drew sharp reactions from critics and fans alike this week with the announcement of the console’s “time limit” feature,…
