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New Buddhism Update Allows Items and Upgrades to Carry Into Next Life


BEIJING — A new Buddhist doctrine confirms that your earthly possessions and skills will now carry into your new life after death, enlightened sources confirm.

“This update adds a new option for your reincarnation,” Tenzin Gyatso, the 14th Dalai Lama said. “It is entitled ‘Nirvana Game Plus’ and will allow your possessions to come with your spirit into your next life. However, there are requirements for this to take effect. So no killing yourself or anything like that. In order for it to take effect, you must have at least 50 points in your Good Karma bar, as well as having fully upgraded your Meditation and Buddhist Chant skills.”

Buddhists across the globe have become more invested in leading a good life in order to reap the benefits.

“I never thought of myself as someone who cared about belongings,” longtime Buddhist Dayi Huike said. “But now knowing that I can keep all my cars and my beach house, I’m starting to enjoy this whole owning property thing. I’ve always thought of myself as a cool guy, so I’m sure my karma is fine. All I gotta do is keep grinding my prayers and hopefully, once I enter the great beyond I can keep my PS5.”

Even those who do not practice the religion are getting excited about this update.

“I was raised as a Christian, I raised my children as Christian, and I volunteer weekly at my church,” Doug Gracy said. “But fuck that — I want to keep my shit! How do I know that Heaven isn’t gonna be some bullshit where I have to basically start all over, but with a new skin or whatever. So I’ve decided to abandon everything in my life and become a Buddhist. Stacy, if you’re reading this, you can keep the kids but I get everything else.”

At press time, the Dalai Lama further added that there will be no more updates to Buddhism, but then tweeted just the number “2” on his Twitter account, leading excited fans of the religion to speculate on a potential sequel.