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Mobile ‘Escape Room’ Business Not Going So Great


BOSTON — A guy that started a new mobile escape room business during last year’s lockdown is starting to wonder how long he can keep his struggling business afloat, sources have confirmed. 

“So maybe this wasn’t my best idea,” said Kelly Walker, who saw his profits from his escape room business halt abruptly when he had to shut his doors last year. “I wasn’t making any money, and didn’t want to give up the business, so I designed an app that helped people turn their homes into escape rooms. It… it isn’t going well.” 

The app, which purports to adapt any surrounding into an engaging puzzle solving mystery, has reportedly been met with low download numbers and unhappy customers among those who have purchased it. 

“It sounded ambitious and fun,” said Annie Long, one of many disappointed users of the Escape From Home! app. “And I love doing stuff like escape rooms and all that, so I thought I’d give it a shot with my husband over the pandemic. It just gave me vague clues and instructions like, ‘see if you can find the next clue,’ and ‘now go drink a glass of water.’ After an hour it said if I thought I was ready to try to escape to go ahead, and then I just walked out onto my deck and it congratulated me. I want my $20 back!” 

Decker’s wife says she never thought the pivot to online would work.

“I love my husband, but I just think he wasn’t ready for the pandemic,” said Erin Walker. “I mean, a mobile escape room? What the fuck does that even mean? I guess he thought we’d pay our mortgage with a stream of 20 dollar PayPals from people that just spent an hour pretending not to know how to get out of their kitchen? I’m afraid this is worse than his DIY bumper car track he started in the front yard. Although we have fewer lawsuits this time.” 

As of press time, Walker had reopened his escape room business’ doors to the public, although most customers have just come to complain about their mobile escape room experiences in person.