DONKEY KONG ISLAND — Kong Family matriarch Wrinkly Kong expressed her desire this week for her family to retire her physically-observant name and maybe just call her, like, “grandma” or something, the generally exhausted ape lady confirmed.
“Look, I know I’m no spring primate, but do we have to point out that age has altered my appearance in the name?” questioned Wrinkly, who we felt was appropriate to call that given she’s not our grandma. “Granny Kong. Nana Kong. I’d even take Eventual Dowager Kong. I guess it’s better than Fake Hip & New Cataract Kong, but only slightly.”
According to those familiar with the situation, Wrinkly Kong (again, sorry) isn’t the only member of the Kong clan who sits unhappy with their moniker.
“I could stand to put on some muscle, sure, but come on… fucking Lanky Kong?” asked the wacky orangutan while flipping around like a strand of cooked spaghetti. “I just don’t think we should be naming each other based on physical appearance. Did you know I read French poetry and spend most of my afternoons studying antique maps? Yeah, I’m a ball of energy who flies around on little rocket shoes, but that’s not all I am. Call me Cultured Kong.”
Some of the less-insultingly named Kong members —including Candy Kong, Diddy Kong, and the objectively sexy Swanky Kong — expressed their hesitancy to tweak any member of the family titles. Creator Shigeru Miyamoto stands with the satisfied portion of the clan.
“I call em like I see em,” noted Miyamoto, who insisted on calling our staff a mix of Smelly Reporter, Needs Haircut Reporter, and Bags-Under-Eyes Reporter. “Having wrinkles isn’t an insult, it’s a sign of a life well-lived. If she keeps running her mouth, well then who knows – maybe she’ll end up with the name Passed In Her Sleep No Suspicion of Foul Play Kong.”
At press time, Wrinkly Kong was seen knitting banana sweaters for her large and loving family, being sure to give them space while letting them know that she loves them unconditionally. She expressed her desire not to be a burden on any of her young family members, and that all she’s asking for is a little increased respect from the people she olds closest. Nobody remembered to call on her birthday.