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Marvel Debuts New Superhero Who Just Doesn’t Make Things Any Worse


NEW YORK — Marvel has announced a six-issue comic series featuring Burnout, a new superhero who “just stays chill and tries not to fuck shit up even worse.”

“Burnout has powers akin to Superman, but we figured there are enough superheroes who inspire people to do the right thing via larger-than-life metaphorical feats,” said creator Donna Sherwood. “So we made one who is just here to vibe.”

Set against a modern backdrop of uncontrollable climate change, rising wealth inequality, and the ongoing violent oppression of marginalized groups, Burnout will focus on trying to keep things from snowballing into an even more horrific and soul-crushing waking nightmare.

“It’s time for a hero who provides practical examples of how to just keep your sanity while living within this absurd, capitalist system,” said Sherwood, revealing panels in which Burnout boycotts palm oil and votes strategically. “Deep down, Burnout knows these actions don’t make any real difference in the fight against the oligarchs who control every aspect of our lives, but hey, it’s better than nothing, right?”

While focus groups initially complained about the hero’s lack of agency, participants usually came around when they realized they all had college degrees and full-time jobs, yet still needed to attend a focus group in exchange for fifty dollars and a free cold sub.

“They establish in the first issue that even with their godlike strength, time-freezing speed, and laser fingers, Burnout is still no match for an expansion-based economy supported by a massive global population that is forced to forge their own chains every day or die,” said Patricia Chase, a comic book fan with an advance copy. “That villain really hit home, for some reason.”

If Burnout is a success, a rumored second series would depict the hero just saying “fuck it” and taking that job at Uncle Rob’s firm.