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Lucky Military Recruiter Pulls Super Rare High Schooler


DALLAS — A local military recruiter earned high marks and really good loot when he was able to return home to his base having landed the most coveted of all bounties: a super rare high school kid.

“Ooh baby, Sarge is gonna flip his shit,” said Brian Larson, walking to his car after working a shift at the army recruitment store in the mall. “Most days I just stare at the Foot Locker for eight hours and think about my life, but today is the day you dream of when you get in the game: I landed one. Still in high school. Got the signature and everything. Pretty big win for me personally.”

The high schooler, a type of possible recruitment that holds the elusive classification of Super Rare, was discovered walking around looking for a job earlier this morning. Having grown dismayed at the amount of stores still in operation at the mall, he wandered into the recruitment center, one of few businesses still operating. 

“At first I was just going to see if they ever hired people to help clean up or whatever,” said Sam Myers, who pledged the next four years of his life to the Army this afternoon right before getting a cookie from Mrs. Fields. “But then he had this gleam in his eye and he asked me to take a seat. I knew then that this was about to change my life forever.” 

“I mean for the better,” he added. “The Army sounds super awesome and really fun!”

When told of Myers’ commitment, Larson’s sergeant was happy, as he’d predicted. 

“Wow, he landed a super rare High Schooler? I’ll be damned,” said Sergeant Louis Lancaster, Larson’s senior officer. “I was just about to demote Cryin’ Brian even farther down, but with the experience points this confused 18-year-old is gonna earn him, I might even have him start going into the battles soon.” 

As of press time, Larson had declared his plans to spend tomorrow hunting the Super Extra Platinum Rare middle schooler in an effort to recruit him into the Army prematurely and off the books.