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Lockheed Martin Assures Pentagon “Robot Boy” Project Will Meet 20XX Deadline


BETHESDA, Md. — In what many are calling the Pentagon’s latest boondoggle, mainstay military contractor Lockheed Martin has already missed major milestone deadlines in its controversial Robot Boy project.

“We promised America a super fighting robot, and that’s what we’ll deliver,” said James Taiclet, President and CEO of Lockheed Martin, in a hearing before the House Armed Services Committee. “Yes, recent projections have us finishing 20% over budget in 2073, but that’s the risk of tackling such a big unknown. America’s enemies already quake in fear at the mere notion that one day in the far future, this robotic boy with a gun for a hand will be fighting for the red, white, and blue.”

But Armed Services Committee Chairman Adam Smith was not so easily mollified. Said the Washington rep, “Our internal projections have this Robot Boy rathole running at least 4.5 trillion over budget as late as 2095. Your skunkworks spent 5 billion USD developing a little sailor outfit for him for basically no reason. You had seven separate teams working on helmets. The Robot Boy is only getting one goddamn helmet! Management has clearly failed.”

“If you ask me, this is more bloodsucking from the same company that sold our military the $400 hammer,” chimed in New Jersey Representative Donald Norcross. “The Russians would have just taped a powerful rifle to the arm of a real boy and saved a trillion dollars. This is why America’s military is falling behind despite record spending.”

“I will remind the committee that technically we have until 2099,” replied LM’s Taiclet.

Analysts close to the military manufacturing giant have pointed out some of the timeline slippage is due to increased project scope from the Department of Defense, including enabling the Robot Boy to absorb the skills of defeated enemies, giving him a robot dog, and then making that dog able to fly.

“And if we are going to take on a project of this size, surely there is a better use of government money,” added Chairman Smith. “Has anyone here ever watched Gundam?”

The boisterous meeting resulted in no immediate changes in funding for Lockheed Martin. In Arlington, Virginia, rumors were already spreading of DARPA’s so-called “Robot Boy X” project, aimed at an even later completion date.