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UNDERGROUND CAVE — A local lemming who survived crossing a narrow bridge over a large cavernous hole after watching many of his friends fall to their deaths reportedly feels guilt about making it out alive.

“Oh god, oh no! Oh my god they’re all dead. They’re all dead,” said the nameless lemming. “Why me?! What did I do to deserve life while so many others fell to their death? All I did was walk. I just walked straight ahead like I was supposed to. We all made it through so much together and now they’re all gone. How am I supposed to go to my friend’s wife and say that he died?! No… we all look the same… I have a moral obligation to stand in for him. Take on his life and his place in society. It’s what he would have wanted. It’s the only way I can live with myself.”

Despite the lemming’s concerns, other lemmings seemed to be less phased by the event.

“Who gives a shit?” said another nameless lemming who we’re pretty sure was different from the first one, taking a long drag from a cigarette. “You walk in a straight line, sometimes to your death and sometimes not. If you’re lucky, you get to be a blocker for a little bit. Most of the people you know will die. Eventually you die. That’s the fucking job, man. And if you aren’t up for it, then maybe you shouldn’t have signed up for this shit.”

According to those familiar with the situation, however, a group of lemmings are working to unionize in order to argue for better working conditions.

“We lemmings need to stick together and demand a better workplace!” said one of the lemmings, speaking anonymously out for fear of retribution, despite the fact that no one could possibly tell which lemming said what. “We want to decide, from now on, which way we get to walk. If there’s a big hole or a fire or spikes, we should be allowed to not walk right into them! This is the dawn of a new era for lemmings.”

At press time, everyone interviewed in this article fell into yet another large cavernous pit.