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Insufferable No Man’s Sky Fan Liked It Better When It Sucked


OKLAHOMA CITY — A smug fan of space exploration simulator No Man’s Sky reportedly preferred the initial version of the game that sucked real bad, sources have confirmed. 

“Psh, get out of there with that ‘It’s good now’ bullshit,” said Brett Poole, who’s been playing the game on a special designated PlayStation 4 that he keeps offline, so as to keep the game from updating. “Anyone that gets onboard with the game now is a spoiled brat who hasn’t earned a fucking thing. They deserve the hand holding polished drivel you get when you open up that turd now. Everything they’ve added is a slap in the face to the immersive, desolate experience they first delivered. Back when it was good. And don’t even get me started on the bases, freighters, improved visuals and locations, expanded crafting, and additional missions. Bunch of pandering crap.”

Friends of Poole’s allege that his personality is unfortunately entwined with being staunchly opposed to popular opinion. 

“Yeah, he’s like that about everything,” said Will Armstrong, a longtime friend of Poole’s. “Somehow his opinion on things always, always seems to be in direct conflict with what everyone else is enjoying. I get being against the grain, but it’s like his whole thing. His favorite Coen brothers movie is The Ladykillers and he always wants us to go eat at Long John Silver’s. It’s too much. I can’t be around this guy anymore.” 

Makers of No Man’s Sky appreciate his fandom, although they implored him to check out the additions they’ve been working on in the five years since its release. 

“Thanks for playing, Brett!” said Sean Murray, lead director of Helio games, in a personalized message he made for Poole after healing of his commitment to the release day version of the game. “But we really wish you wouldn’t insist on playing a bootlegged version of the original core game in that frankly embarrassing version we put out in 2016. You don’t have to live like this, dude.” 

As of press time, Poole was begrudgingly checking out a modern version of No Man’s Sky and using the added multiplayer feature to complain to his friends about it.