TAMPA, Fla. — Using his trademark looks and dynamite charm, local man Chris Marshall made a clean $20 profit on a grocery run this morning.
“There was just something about that guy. Every word out of his mouth was like honey, growing sweeter every second,” said cashier Ricky Hempel, who paid $10 for a gummy bear that Marshall found on the floor. “I’ve never enjoyed a conversation so much in my life.”
Store receipts and security camera footage confirm that Marshall left the store yesterday with new clothes, three pounds of ground beef, six bottles of beer, a diamond ring, and $20 more than when he walked in.
“Do I wish we could charge everybody the same? Of course. But sometimes, a customer has an electrifying smile, their eyes seem to welcome you and attack you all at once, teasing your mind into a dance of seduction, and you end up giving them 95% off the usual price of a cheese wheel,” said store manager Sammy Hugo. “That’s just the cost of doing business.”
When reached for comment, Marshall claimed his money-making exploit was “completely legit” and “totally within universe.”
“I used to just barely scrape by, getting overcharged for basic necessities. But now that I found this exploit, I can suck every single dime from the town’s economy, day after day, without offering anything of value,” said Marshall, who also has large ownership stakes in every local business. “And no, it’s not a glitch. This is just how things work in this country.”
Local authorities have rejected claims that Marshall may be involved in theft or money laundering, citing the lump sum he paid them one time, when they asked about it.