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Hundreds of Pokémon Species Go Extinct After Bill Accidentally Bricks PC


CERULEAN CITY — Hundreds of species of Pokémon have suddenly gone extinct after local researcher Bill accidentally bricked his PC, which housed millions of Pokémon worldwide.

“Oh god, oh my fucking god, oh fuck, fucking fuck, god damn it, fuck!!” Bill was heard yelling in a PokéCenter in Cerulean Center, just after accidentally pouring fresh water all over a router. “Do you know how many fucking Pokémon there were on these things?! The whole goddamn network is down! Dhelmise, Pyukumuku, Dunsparce… you think these Pokémon lived anywhere outside of a computer?! No! They’re all gone, all of them… oh my god, I’ve killed them all. Does anyone have a bag of rice?! Who the hell let me be the only source of Pokémon storage on the goddamn planet?!”

Pokémon researchers have been devastated by the news.

“Yesterday there were 898 different kinds of Pokémon in the world that we knew of. Today there are merely 622,” said Pokémon researcher Bug Catcher Tom. “As a bug catcher, it’s devastating to know that there are several bug-type Pokémon I will never see again in my life outside of photographs. This is a massive tragedy for the scientific community and we need to do our absolute best to see that it never happens again. There’s simply no other way to put it; this is the largest singular act of Pokécide in human history.”

Despite these implications, many Pokémon trainers are ambivalent about the loss of Pokémon species.

“Yeah, I don’t give a shit if I never run into Wormadam again. That’s not a big deal to me,” said a local trainer named Red. “I mean it’s definitely weird that most legendary Pokémon are just wiped off the planet for good. And honestly, that’s my bad for leaving them in the PC for so long considering there’s only one of each. I wasn’t planning on using most of them, so I probably should have just released them. Again, that’s on me. But other than that, I’m mostly just pissed off I had one of my mains in storage while I walked a fucking egg around. I’m trying to get a shiny for bragging rights, not fuck up my whole goddamn EV-trained team!”

At press time, the Pokémon community finally agreed to start embracing cloud Pokémon storage.