CHICAGO — Kate Patterson was reportedly disappointed Saturday when her date arrived two hours late and had the gall to not look like the cutscenes she had first seen him in.
“He looked so hot in the acting videos he linked me to, spiked hair that defied gravity, eyes full of life, face teeming with emotion,” said Patterson while hiding in the bar’s restroom. “Now, I can barely tell if he’s smiling, frowning, laughing, or pouting because his face looks frozen. I don’t wanna sound shallow, but the dialogue better be amazing if he expects me to stick around.”
Gale Strifehart, Patterson’s date, told reporters that this is a common problem he comes across in his everyday life.
“I guess I could’ve been more up front about how I look when the camera stops rolling,” said Strifehart, putting his large spherical non-hands onto his face. “It’s just tough out there for guys like me. People see these beautifully directed videos and their minds are blown. Then, I show up and look like a Ken Doll fucked a Tetris block.”
Despite the date’s rocky start, Patterson and Strifehart decided to get after-dinner drinks at a bar across town.
“You know, Gale is kinda growing on me,” said Patterson while her date was outside smoking a cigarette. “I was surprised at first, sure, but he’s so sweet. And he is handsome in a retro, nostalgic kind of way. I’ll just close my eyes and use my imagination to fill in the gaps when we have sex.”