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bros, nintendo, smash, super, switch

I love Smash Bros as much as the next guy, but if the new game being made for the Nintendo Switch doesn’t include EVERY SINGLE ONE of these characters, then it is 100% going to be trash. Obviously, I’ll still buy a Switch so I can play it and find out. I actually own the Switch already but I’ll buy one that’s just for Smash Bros.

Anyway, here’s the list:

Goku
The Cast Of The Jersey Shore
Buster Bunny from Tiny Toons
A Pokémon Snap Station
All Sonic OC Characters
Goku
The Elusive Bigfoot
Claire Danes circa My So Called Life
Alex Jones
Eggplant Emoji
Steve Jobs Played By Ashton Kutcher
That alien robot Dr Wiley turns into
Berenstein Bears (alt skin for Berenstain Bears)
For some reason, a car
Young Jerry Seinfeld
Metta World Peace Knight
Ray Man
Billy Mays
The Mighty Sarlacc (playable character AND stage)
Waluigi (circumcised skin)
Arsenio Hall
Harambe
God
Goku
The End of Racism (we apologise in advance that this character cannot be selected)
Good Eats era & Cutthroat Kitchen era Alton Brown
Zelda from Pet Cemetery
Goku
Erectile Dysfunction Luigi
Sonic
Chad Muska from Tony Hawks Underground 1
Dave Grohl
Goku
Mads Mikkelsen and Hideo Kojima
M’Baku
Samurai Jack
Error from Legend of Zelda: Adventure of Link
None of the Joestars
The Crying Indian From Those Recycling Ads
Bugs Bunny Dressed as a Girl Bunny
Geriatric Luigi
FDR in a mech suit
Goku
Former Daily Show Host Craig Kilborn
Unlockable Character Silhouette
That glitch where you can see Samus naked if you shock her with pikachu and pause at the exact right time
Horny Single Women In Your Area Looking To Fuck
The Letter H
Goku
CNN’s Wolf Blitzer
A human centipede
Link with a Gun
Anthony Scaramucci
That Same Homeless Guy You Always See On Your Commute To Work
Walter White
The Illuminati
Goku
Jar Jar Binks
Drake’s father
Honey Smacks mascot
Hurricane Katrina
Noam Chomsky
He Hate Me
Solid Snake
Jessica Rabbit
Sheeva with four tits
Reunited R.E.M.
Senator Armstrong in a Red Baseball Cap
Barack Obama
Mrs. Game and Watch
The Person You Lost Your Virginity To
The nice guy at the deli who knows what you want before you order it which really helps to make your neighborhood feel like a community
Noctis Lucis Caelum
The Main Soldier and the Main Creature from Small Soldiers
Halo
The Italian BMT now $5 at Subway
Both of the Moms from Fresh Prince
Busty flower from conker’s bad fur day
Goku
Kenan Thompson
Final smash: NUNCHUCKS
Hitler, but Like, Not in an Offensive Way
Ty Pennington for Guaranteed Rates
Old AIM Account
G-String Samus
The Cast of The Breakfast Club
That One Gringotts Goblin That Borders On Anti-Semitism
Left paddle from pong
Mario But With Pancake Nipples
Unsold DVDs of the movie Pixels
The physical manifestation of the three-fifths compromise
Joe Valentino From Great Neck Nissan
Mike Ditka
Eddie Murphy
Eric Garland (final smash: Game Theory)
Pinky and the brain
Vectorman
Steve Buscemi
Jean Claude Van Damme’s Character From Bloodsport
Vice Reporter
Bob from Reboot
Wario without a skeleton
The 1989 New York Knicks
Zelda (the boy)
The White Guy In The Roots
Bananaman
Vacation Jason
Some Minor Character From Final Fantasy That Everyone Fuckin Loves For No Reason
Ethical Consumption Under Capitalism
The Boss Baby
The Paperclip From MS Word
Yung Linc
The General from those insurance commercials
The Baby Dinosaur From the Show Dinosaurs
Bob Ross’ 2″ Blender Brush
Goku
Master hand’s wacky cousin crazy foot
A Child Soldier (sad, right?)
The hand coming out of the toilet that needs toilet paper in Majoras Mask
might as well include van hammersly while we’re at it
The “do not blow” warning on the cartridge
Fleeting Happiness
Goku
Tetris Blocks
Afroman
Fox
Angry Sun from World 2 Desert in Super Mario Bros. 3
A fidget spinner
A Five String Fretless Bass
Ben Carson during REM sleep
Stephen King When He Was Addicted To Cocaine
Ridley
GAME GENIE
The entire polyphonic spree
Arwing That Just Keeps Doing A Barrel Roll
Rick & Morty From Rick & Morty
Whatever is Making That Weird Noise When You Hold Z as You Start Up Your Gamecube
A random baby
Lou Albano Mario
The housekeeper that always has to vacuum right in front of the TV while we’re playing
Kevin Smith in an ill fitting batman suit
Spock
Cooking Dada (alt costume for Cooking Mama)
Dad’s character stuck in a corner
Sean Penn
The Front Bottoms
Megan Fox’s Thumbs
Ruth Bader Ginsberg
The biggest, blackest dick
Seth McFarlane (skin for Todd McFarlane)
Robert Mueller
No Items
Lootbox
Splatoon
A Guy On a Segway
Brian Deegan
Broodals
Dune Sandworm (assist trophy)
Serpico
Only one ice climber
Yoshi
Andross’s Brain
Goku
Mary Sue
Dan Harmon
Arthur from the movie Arthur starring Dudley Moore
Pontius Pilate
Norm Abram of The New Yankee Workshop
Marc Maron (his moves are all just talking at you before you get a chance to do anything)
Clippy
Alt: Mario’s Mushroom Dealer
Kirk Van Houten’s representation of Dignity
Biker Mice From Mars
A Dusty Rock Band Drum Set
Goth from the Goth Rave Video
Wakko from Final Fantasy X
Phil Spencer in a blazer
Steven Tyler circa Permanent Vacation
Dr. McStuffins
My Uncle Who Works For Nintendo
Lorne Michaels
Wiimote
Anne Coulter’s Conscience
Maynard James Keenan
Friend’s N64 controller that’s sticky and you’re not sure why
Potsy from Happy Days
Jon Bon Jovi
Florida Man
Detective Pikachu With Danny Devito’s Voice
Not Goku
Dennis from It’s Always Sunny
Sakurai
Christopher Plummer
Tim The Toolman Taylor
Sex Fox (Robin Hood but we just call him sex fox)
John Waters
Bob the Tomato
Bayonetta, but it’s a person covered in bayonettes
The Kenyan Gundam from G Gundam
Berenstain Bears
Nick Rutherford from Good Neighbor Stuff a.k.a. the one who didn’t get on SNL
Jared Before The Weight Loss But After The Pedophilia
Stalin in a Mario Outfit
Archivist Toadette
Invisible John Cena
MechaSheeva
7/8 Nurse Joys
Goku
Some fine people on both sides
Louis Farrakhan
The /r/gaming Reddit Mod
A Cease and Desist Order From The Makers Of Tekken
A Monster from an Alesana or Bring Me the Horizon or whatever Shirt
A Baseball Player from the Baseball Episode of Samurai Champloo
Goku
The Justice League Snyder Cut
Kevin Nealon
Katt, the hot girl fox from Starfox 64
The Cast of Hamilton
IT
The Prophet Muhammad
The Avatar of Empty Nostalgia
The Realization That Your Parents Have Had Sex Before and They Could Be Doing It Right Now
RL Stine
Dan Hibiki
Nude Waluigi Wearing Only Sunglasses
The Noid
Emma Goldman in a mech suit
The Song “Accidental Racist”
Kramer
Bubsy
John Madden
Lawrence Krauss
Terry Gross
S-tier Pichu
Dana/Zuul
That fuckable rabbit from Space Jam
Eater X
Paul Blart
Sora
Modern Metallica
2 Suit Samus
Henry Rollins from the Def Jam video game
Goku
The Cast Of Pawn Stars
Goku
Bowser and Peach’s Horrific Love Child
Pepsiman
Temba, his arms wide
A refurbished Wii U
Young Sheldon
Blue from blues clues
The Ever-Changing Concept of American Whiteness
Goku
Action Bronson
Scorpius from Farscape
Masturbating Louis CK
Todd Mcfarlane
George Lucas
Manic Charlie Sheen
A BOSS Metal Zone
Ice climbers fused with pichu
Spike from Cowboy Bebop
Every Wu-Tang Clan Member Except U-God
Due Process
American Badass Undertaker
Agumon
Reba as Colonel Sanders
Master Chief
Mario Lopez
Fat Bam Margera
Parker from Gold Rush Alaska
Helen from HR
Goku
Executive Producer Dick Wolf
Carey Elwes ‘The Claw’ from Liar Liar the Jim Carrey Movie
Paul Ryan’s Spine
Goomba Who Has Been Training All His Life To Avenge His Squished Parents
Drunk Tony Stark
Elliott Ness
Scott Ian
Michael Vick
Farm Raised Pikachu
HR Giger
Porgs
Dante and Randall
Goku
The Last Samurai
The FBI
Goku
Flavor Flav’s Clock
The Pod Save America Crew
The Italian Aliens from Star Wars The Last Jedi
Tom Holland Spider-Man
Goku
Abobo
Jill Stein
Vince McMahon
An Inanimate, Empty Tanooki Suit
John Carpenter
Waluigi’s Foreskin
Death Grips
Wakka
Mansplainer
Mario on Wrong Kind of Mushrooms
Chicago Police Officer’s Mustache
Michael Jordan
The Dude Who Milks The Cow in the 1 2 Switch commercial
My Waifu
Loot Boxes
the personification of your uncle’s racist anti-Obama rant
Time’s Person of The Year: You
Mario, But After He Divorces Princess Peach And Gains 30 Pounds
Common
Naked Raiden from MGS
Ernest P Worrell
Young Shia LeBeouf
Missingno
Violent J
Lionel Hutz
Biggie
Ghost Pepper Hot Wings
King Eeeeee
Paul Rudd in that Nintendo commercial
Ayatollah Khomeini
Garfunkle
Goku
Billy Mitchell
The Beastie Boys
Anita Sarkeesian
Edd, but not Ed or Eddy
The pinching your face guy from Kids In The Hall
Nintendog the Bounty Hunter
Goku
Dave, but his mom grounded him from video games for a month
Cooking Mama
Shia LeBoef
Leisure Suit Larry
Goku
Steven
Hard Tim
Fred Durst with red hat!
The Broken iPod I’m Too Nostalgic To Get Rid Of
Seasonal Affective Disorder
The Demiurge
Tupac Hologram
Metal King Dedede
Jack Ryan: Shadow Recruit
Odysseus
Fabio when a bird died on his face
Watto and Jar Jar (Plays Like The Ice Climbers)
Crying Jimmy Kimmel
The Nasonex Bee
Racist Black Caricatures That Japanese People Don’t Realize are Super Offensive
Dinkie Dino (Mom bought instead of Tamagotchi)
Silk Button-Up Shirt Of Anime Character
Goku
Barron Trump
Goku
PUP
Goku
The old racist Jynx
Tomi Lahren
Member Berries
Beat Takeshi
Nude code Lara Croft
A Rabid Nintendog
90s Kid
Jew
Cappy
Slender Man (Obese Version)
Gordon Ramsey
Mikey Erg
Kylo Ren including nipples
WrestleMania 2000 Steve Blackman
Tuxedo Mask
Boner from Growing Pains
Gallagher (King Dedede alternate costume)
The Teacher You Accidentally Called Mom in Third Grade
Bob Villa
Quentin Tarantino’s Character ‘Jimmy’ from Pump Fiction
Hallucinogen Dealer Who Hangs out at the Same Coffee Shop as All Your Town’s Teens
Bob Hoskins Samus
Only 90s Kids
Malcolm Gladwell (unlocked after 10,000 hours of gameplay)
Literally every Pokemon ever
Trump’s twitter password
The Duplass Brothers
Any Of The Well-Received Minority Superheroes Released By Marvel
Pregnant Luigi
The Coach from Punchout
Kirby But With Asthma
The 3rd, 7th, and 10th Doctor Who
Darth Insanius
Animal Crossing’s Serial Public Masturbator
Mac Tonight
Tommy Wiseau
Yoshi Getting Punched in the Head by Mario
Slavoj Žižek
Mel Gibson before all that
Darth Icky
Lando Calrissian
Charles Nelson Riley
Dr. Zaius
Hard Times Managing Editor Bill Conway
Del Close
Raspberry Pi Emulator Running SNES Games
Bowser’s Contractor
Jonah Ryan
Pizza Rat
Cake Boss
Breath of the Wild Link
Chris Gaines
The whole team from Major League 2
Wawaluigi
Doom Guy
A bucket of human teeth
Red
Blood Falcon
Wilson from Castaway
Checkered Vans from Middle School
Tobias Funke
Tim Armstrong
Embarrassing Walk-to-Work Sweat
The Property Brothers
Ms. Carpal tunnel
Jeff Rosenstock
Goku
Laughing Alexa
Rain Man
A Large, Silent, Orange
Goku
Mew One-and-a-Half
Jenny Lewis reprising her role from The Wizard
Crazy Hand
Anthony “Sully” Sullivan
North Korea (new stage)
All the girls from Mambo #5
Stanley Ipkiss
John Legiuzamo’s Character from “The Pest”
A room temperature glass of tap water
Pac-Man but as a Mii
Mark Zuckerberg
The kid banished to Hell at the end of the Crossfire commercial
Glenn Danzig
Collin Kaepernick Kneeling for the National Anthem
A Stale End Piece of Bread That No One Wants to Eat
Mario’s mustache
Mario in that green boot from Mario 3
Ike Eisenhower
King Bob-omb
Emotional labor
Max Headroom
Goku
Dwight Schrute
Mario
Toad’s Hat and You Can’t Convince Me Otherwise
OB/GYN Mario
Dale Gribble with Pocket Sand
Birdo
The Creeping Realisation That Your Parents Will Eventually Die
Elon Musk
Madcatz Controller
An AR-15 assault rifle
Pickle Rick
Shitty Roommate
Mr Game and Watch
Oddjob
Goku
Corpse of Billy Mays
Shigeru Miyamotos Niece
The Corpse Of Glass Joe
[Ice Climbers confirmed NOT in Smash 5]
CATS From All Your Base Are Belong To Us! LOL, Remember That?!
Unconditional Love
A horse
Donkey Lips From Salute Your Shorts
Goku
Pablo Sanchez
Goku
Tails
Wayne Brady
Union Scab
Captain Falcon
The turtle from Zelda but with Mitch McConnel’s head
The Next Cloverfield Movie
Middle Schooler in a Naruto Sand Village Headband
Swedish Chef
Tupac
The Receipt You Never Found to Return That N64DD
Acid Reflux
Ganondorf but like similar to the way he is in the fucking Zelda series
Seven Fire Emblem Reskins
“Slow Hand” Eric Clapton
Sonic OC
Mark McGrath of Sugar Ray
Entire Lineup of LA Kings From NHL ’95 For The Sega Genesis
A Guy With Three Hands Holding an N64 Controller
The Next Porn Star Who Tries To Become A Mainstream Actress
George Soros
Jazz Hand
Gratuitous Girl In A Thong
My Dad
Spumpy
Musical Guest Janelle Monae
Brian Michael Bendis
Arthur from the cartoon Arthur
Those Creatures That Look Like Dicks You Made In Spore
Hypothermic Ice Climbers
A Virtual Boy
Shovel Knight
Mama Luigi
Fi
Flex Armstrong
Toon Snake
Crystal Clear Pepsi
June 1998 Copy of Nintendo Power
Uwe boll looking for a new movie idea
NRA Spokeswoman Dana Loesch
Wii Fit Slacker
Larry the Cucumber
Calvin Peeing on SEGA
The band Save Ferris
Fine, Sub-Zero, Stop E-mailing Us
Dwayne Hector Elizando Mountain Dew Camacho
Zergling
Rupert Murdoch
A NYPD Officer who nods at you when he sees your Cro Mags shirt
Garth Brooks & Chris Gaines
Internet Communist
Captain Clickbait
Fortnite
Lucina (Marth skin)
Jared Leto’s Joker
Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration
All the sexy hedgehog drawings from Deviant Art
EA’s Integrity
Dr Cube from Kaiju Big Battel
Bobby Flay
Michael Cera as Player X (alt skin: Tobey Maguire)
The Underwear Model From A Kohl’s Ad
That Guy At Your Local Restaurant That Says “The Usual?” When You Come In
The Dam Level From Ninja Turtles
Pregnant DeviantArt Sonic
Mecha King Ghidorah
X-Man
Raekwon the Master Chef Jr.
A misunderstood nazi
Samuel L. Jackson Screaming
Sonichu
Jake Lloyd (young anakin skywalker)
Rash from Battletoads
K̶e̶v̶i̶n̶ ̶S̶p̶a̶c̶e̶y̶ Christopher Plummer again
Mom’s Spaghetti
George W Bush from “Bush Shootout” (George W Bush skin)
Method Man
The Crash Bandicoot suit guy from the Pizza Hut commercials
The ghost of Roger Ebert, who still insists video games aren’t art
Norman Reedus
Puff Daddy
Goku
Vegan Bowser
That Kid That Pac Man and Ms. Pac Man Make After They Fuck Each Other
Green Boots (Dead Body On Everest)
The old man from Zelda
Waluigi
Bizmarckie
Blink-182 Era Matt Skiba
Logan Paul
Rocky Balboa
The Pixelated Penis In Japanese Porn
Uganda knuckles
Dr. Robotnik (replacing Dr. Mario)
Joey from Joey’s World Tour
Ernest from the Ernest movies
The Racist Guy In the Movie “42”
The Poems from doki doki
Buzz Lightyear
Drunken Step-Father
Alt-Right Wario
That Orca Character From Street Sharks
The 1972 New York Yankees
Ted Cruz With That Gun That Cooked Bacon
The Merchant from Resident Evil 4
Fat Suit Weird Al
Goku
Saibamen
Divorced Ice Climbers
Cap’n Crunch
My Older Brother Who Will Totally Kick Your Ass!
Ziggy from The Wire
Koji Kondo
The all new 2019 Jeep Grand Cherokee
Misfits-Era Glenn Danzig
Nizoral anti-dandruff fungus targeting shampoo
Stan from Eminem’s “Stan”
The Pizza Delivery Guy Who Doesn’t Judge
Mike Myers and Kanye West
501st Legion Clone Trooper
Nerfed Pichu
Midlife Crisis Mario
The Verizon commercial guy who now works for Sprint or something
Kung Lao but with Cappy
Felix Biederman from Chapo Trap House
The C Stick
Mayor McCheese
Ol’ Dirty Bastard (as Big Baby Jesus)
Ajit Pai
Chad Kroeger (his super smash summons Scott Stapp)
Alan Thompson Jr. from the Whole Foods Front Register in White Plains, New York
A Catcalling Construction Worker
Lizard Person (skin for Barack Obama)
Black Panther and if you don’t pick him we’re telling everyone you didn’t like Black Panther
Jack Black
Aunt Beru
That one guy who still talks about gamergate
Solid Snake’s Cardboard Box with a Labo Logo
Bob Hoskins Mario
Polybius Arcade Cabinet
Nora Roberts
Shrek
Duke Nukem
Arthur from the movie Arthur starring Russell Brand
Gandhi
Bill Maher Just Alternating Between Saying “Invisible Man In The Sky” and “The N-Word”
FBI Agent Michael Scarn
Tony Soprano
An original press Project X Straight Edge Revenge
Siri
Navi
Illegitimate Bowser Jr.
Nintendog
Freddy Krueger but when he’s the giant snake thing in Dream Warriors
Henry Winkler
Master Chef
Palette-swapped Clones of All of the Above
75 Interchangeable Fire Emblem Characters
King K Rool
Lanky Kong
The 7 Up Dot
Joe Camel
Punxatony Phil

Article by Hard Drive staff @HardDriveMag

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I Will Not Play the New Smash Bros Unless it Includes All 642 of These Characters

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